Summer Storms Bring Life Lessons

“Jesus has defined the relationship he wants with you. He is not interested in enthusiastic admirers who practice everything in moderation and don’t get carried away. He wants completely committed followers.” -Kyle Idleman; Not a Fan

Several times throughout my walk with Christ, I find myself referring to this book. Not a Fan is one of the most prevalent resources I have ever read; it has taught me the difference between fan and follower of  Jesus time and time again. This summer has been different than all the summers before, both good and bad.

First of all, if you didn’t already know, I just finished my freshman year at the University of Alabama. And what a marvelous ride it was! I have never experienced friendship in that way and I may never experience it again outside of those at the Capstone. I miss my family from Riverside and the BCM dearly and cannot wait to see you all again. I am very proud of the members of our faith family who are traveling the globe to spread the gospel this summer.

I have spent my summer being slightly less adventurous. My best friend and big sister married the love of her life in mid-June. I have a brother and my own bathroom for the first time in my life. Of course, a ring and a new last name won’t shake our relationship. I wouldn’t trade being a part of the Williams Wedding for anything in the entire world. And I managed not to cry on her big day. That’s a pretty big deal. I went to Panama City Beach with my mom and dad, worked at the Student Rec Center, and watching every episode of NCIS ever filmed (starting with its originate in JAG). I am thankful for this time of rest from the busyness that is college. Just like every other season, God is teaching. This lesson was a particularly hard lesson to learn.

My heart is people, it always has been and always will be. This summer, I had a lot of time to myself which led to some particularly disappointing self discoveries. I am keeping up with my friends on social media, mainly Instagram. My brothers and sisters in Christ are serving in Rio, Georgia, North Carolina, Gulf Shores, Arkansas, Colorado, Louisiana, Texas and even right here in Tuscaloosa. I am so blessed to call theses missionaries friends. Watching and reading their stories from the field made me even more anxious to get involved and more eager to have the children of Oracabessa in my arms again. July could not come fast enough. A few weeks into the summer, my gut started telling me the trip was no longer going to happen. I received conformation of this at the beginning of June.* My heart was broken. I have not felt an emptiness like that in years. I spent a year fundraising and preparing my heart for another opportunity to serve at Spicy Grove. Several weeks after hearing the new, I found myself slipping into spiritual frustration. My frustration was the product of not being around my faith family, being jealous of those serving, becoming stagnate, and hardening of the heart. A storm is the perfect way to describe this time; I would be lying if I said I was out of this storm. What better opportunity for God to teach me a lesson than time of heartache, insecurity, and complacency?

Missions is not a destination, but ones current location.

I am guilty of making statements about everyday being missional and living on the field in the past, but this summer has really taught me what those things actually mean. I want what I write to be honest, and honestly, I started to become bitter towards people having an awesome summer serving around the world. I felt unimportant to the kingdom on a good day and as if my absence doesn’t make a difference every other day. I am diagnosing myself with self-loathe/self-pity. It is an ugly disease that attacks the heart of a person and slowly works its way to the surface. Bitterness took over my thoughts for a period of time. My soul was dry.

And I had the audacity to blame the cancellation of a trip for it all.

Who am I to blame issues of my heart on circumstances outside of my control? My summer storm was my fault. I chose to build my life around one mission opportunity, rather than building my life on the mission field. I chose to draw encouragement from the idea of traveling back to Jamaica, rather than filling my being with the Holy Spirit. I chose to excite my heart with what God would do, rather than what he is doing. I chose to read Twitter, rather than the Word. And when push came to shove, I wondered why I felt so spiritual unsatisfied. I don’t know if it was more difficult being honest with myself or God, either way, it was scary. Honesty provokes change. In this case, a total breakdown and rebuild of many of my beliefs about how servant-hood actually works.

Throughout the rest of the summer, God has been teaching me what it means to serve Him. I always pictured a place or an organization, a group of people doing Kingdom work together. But sometimes, maybe even most of the time, service is lonely. I spent my summer in Brent, Alabama to learn about missions. I have no doubt about that. Time alone is time allowed to prepare my heart for people.

Storms are never in vain. Rain, shower or flood, allows rebuilding and growing to occur.

I have had so many ideas for ministry in my hometown. There is potential for amazing things to take place in this little town. All the programs and intentions are great and wonderful, but all will fail without prayer. All will fail if we follow the rules, instead of following Jesus. All will fail if we choose religion as a birthright and not a surrender of the heart. My mission is in central Alabama and I choose to accept it. Do you?

“Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourself fully to the work of the Lord, because you know in your labor the Lord is not in vain.”
-1 Corinthians 15:58

Bloom where you’re planted,
Kelly


*The trip could not happen due to internal team reasons. For anyone who donated/purchased Krispy Kreme donut, I still have your offerings and they will be used to fund a mission trip in the spring/summer. I cannot thank you enough for your donations and prayers.

From My Seat at the Feast to My Place in the Dirt

My heart has been stolen, and I don’t want it back.

 The University of Alabama has awoken a part of myself that I didn’t know existed. I have never been so in love with my life, so eager for engagement, so invested in the people around me, so adventurous, so uncomfortable, so strong, so emotional, so overwhelmed, so happy, so joyful, so at peace. The Capstone has brought me more laughter, happiness, and friendships than I could ever have imagined. My heart is held captive by my crimson and white life, it is filled with my new-found family and held in the hands of my Father.

Always Thankful, Forever Tuscaloosa.

 

The person I was in August and the person I am now, are strangers; resembling only in appearance. I have been chiseled, sculpted, and sanded into the woman I am now by the amazing group of people God has blessed me with. I will look back on my freshman year on this wonderful campus and smile. No monetary gain could ever compare to what this university has done for me. In a nine months, I have made friends that have become my family and will be in my life until the end of my time. I do not deserve any of the blessings in my life.  

There is no doubt in my mind that my freshman year at the University of Alabama has been the best year of my entire life; but, mountain tops are only attained from hiking out of low valleys. The two must exist together.  This year has been the most humbling year in  my walk with Christ. It has been made evident to me how I do not have my spiritual life in order near as much as I thought I did. With these harsh realizations have come unexplainable growth and confidence of my faith. This growth has been consistent and, I pray, will continue to be. None of this would have come about without the lessons I have learned so far in my journey at the Capstone.

A few weeks ago at the BCM (Baptist Campus Ministry), we had a Discovery (mid-week service) that was the "worship experience". The night was broken into stations; the names of God, confession, forgiveness, and reflection. In the confession station, I was in a dimly lit room surrounded by my family in Christ. Written on the blood red walls were sins that my Savior went to the cross for, sins that infiltrate my life and find refuge in my heart. I found myself knelt at a bench, speechless, seeking forgiveness through silence and tears. In the corner of the room was a cross; there we were asked to write one of our sins on paper and nail them to the cross. Three words came to heart: gossip, hatred, and self-righteousness. These three things have battled the thrown of my heart and every drop of that is less room for Christ to make His home in me. I have carried that night with me everyday, constantly remembering the shame I felt when I brought myself to the feet of Jesus. 

Entering the university, making my home at the BCM, and visiting new churches introduced a lie to me; a lie that I have believed. Every stranger I met, I stereotyped as being a perfect Christian; despite my biblical knowledge that that was not actually possible. I felt like all of my peers were much more mature in their faith that I am. Being around people with a desire to be Christ-like is new to me and so extremely humbling. I did not realize until the worship experience that I have put myself on a pedestal; I have fooled myself into believe that I am the rich woman eating from the table, when in reality, I am the homeless girl sitting on the cold, hard floor. I subconsciously built the strength of my faith up in my head because I was never involved in the debauchery of kids I grew up with. This year, more than any other time in my life, I realized that sin is not an action, it is of the heart. When we view sin as behavior modification, rather than an intoxication of the heart, we are entering a battle we are not prepared to win. I am the least of these; I am the least of the least of these.

I am a convict. I am the perpetrator in the case of my self-righteous demise. 

This summer, my checklist includes two classes, my sister's wedding, work at the rec center, family vacation, and a week at Spicy Grove Children's Villa in Jamaica. All the things are just that, things. I am challenging myself in a way that I have challenged myself a hundred times before; that being, spend quality time with God in scripture and prayer every day. If I am not growing, if I am not filled with the spirit, my daily mission will be ineffective. I cannot give what I do not have. I cannot overflow with Christ if I am running on fumes. If you're like me, I challenge you too. Not only do I challenge you to spend quality time with God everyday but I challenge you to cut things out of your life that are distracting you from the will of God. Both of these things are on my summer to-do list, and I pray for continuation throughout the rest of my life. This blog is a confession and a call to accountability. I do not know who reads these words (thank you, btw), but whoever you are, you know me somehow. Remind me of these words I wrote. 

God bless y'all.

He saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that, having been justified by his grace, we might become heris having the hope of eternal life. -Titus 3:5-7

*I rarely write about my legitimate, blood family. I love them more than life itself. They mean more to me than anyone, except God. Without them, the life I lead would be nothing but a dream. 

My name is Kelly Hollifield.

My name is Kelly Hollifield and I am an addict.

I am captivated by lyrics with meanings, photographs with stories, and experiences that cannot be verbalized. I live in my day dreams. I want to lead. I aspire to inspire. I am strong. I am as steady. I love people. I am real. I am honest. I think thoughts laced with ideas to bring life to the lifeless and hope to the hopeless. I seek opportunities to change the world around me. I am driven by the desire to be more than I am. I am thirsty for my Jesus. I see a life beyond the borders of my hometown, beyond my college town, beyond my state of origin and perhaps beyond the shores of my stars and stripes.

Those things make life worthwhile. Those things produce smiles and laughter. Those things give that amazing sparkle to the eyes of a passionate person. Those things yield confidence. Those things are the definition of living.

I have the inability to connect. I struggle relating to my generation. I push everyone away that tries to love me. I am known as being emotionless. I am practically a robot in the eyes of most. I have learned to have no expectation because they lead to disappointments. I have a heart that has been broken. I have walls that cannot not be penetrated; at least they haven’t been yet. I have a past. But more importantly, I have a future. 

Those things are the darkness. Those things are the bad days. Those things are the lows. Those things are not of God. Those things are real to me. Those things are lies. Those things are from the Great Deceiver. Those things are a part of life.

I have the worst addiction. It does not produce a high. It only leave you with regrets. I am addicted to excuses. My security blanket it fear. I crumble when fear breathes down my neck. When exposed, the only thing left of me is a long list of what ifs. I am living a life that I have been set free of. I have been set free from this world. To live is Christ and die is gain. That is not a message of fear, but hope. I was given the spirit of power, love, and a sound mind. I have sold myself short to the plan God has for my life; all in the name of fear.

But that’s the truth. I am afraid. I am afraid to fail. I am afraid I will lead a life with no legacy. I am afraid I will be forgotten. I am afraid to feel. I am afraid to open up. I am afraid to disappoint.  I am afraid that showing too much of my heart will lead to pain. I am afraid of my emotions. All of these fears are weighing down my life. All of these fears have effected my happiness. Happiness comes from seeking God’s face and His face alone. I want that more than anything.

I didn’t write this blog for pity or a pat on the back. I’m not looking for that. Don’t post any comments like that. What I am trying to do is something entirely new to me. This is unlike anything I have every written before.I want to be real. I want my reader’s to know who I am. I want all of you to do life with me. I want you all to be able to talk to me about all subjects. I want all of you to see my imperfections. I want all of you to know that I have been made perfect and blameless only through the blood of Christ. I want you all to know that fear is real, but boldness found in the Word of God trumps fear. I want all of you to know love; love found in Christ. I want all of you to find the hope I have found. His name is Jesus.

My name is Kelly Hollifield and I am on a journey to reckless abandonment.

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. -2 Timothy 1:7

My prayer for 2014 is to set aside things that break my heart and focus on the things that break my Father's heart. My prayer is to be lead where my feet may fail and my trust is without borders. 
Join me?

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dy9nwe9_xzw

I would like to start hearing from you guys. Feel free to email me at hollifield.m.kelly@gmail.com or you can find me on Facebook and Twitter.

The Process

Over the past few months the sports world has been buzzing. This has been a season of upsets. Two words have been associated with the Crimson Tide all season, “The Process”. The process is Nick Saban’s coaching mechanism that has resulted in three of the past five National Championship titles and made him one of the most feared yet desirable men in the college football world.

“Well, the process is really what you have to do day in and day out to be successful. We try to define the standard that we want everybody to sort of work toward, adhere to, and do it on a consistent basis. And the things that I talked about before, being responsible for your own self-determination, having a positive attitude, having great work ethic, having discipline to be able to execute on a consistent basis, whatever it is you’re trying to do, those are the things that we try to focus on, and we don’t try to focus as much on the outcomes as we do on being all that you can be. Eliminate the clutter and all the things that are going on outside and focus on the things that you can control with how you sort of go about and take care of your business. That’s something that’s ongoing, and it can never change.” -Nick Saban

In a nutshell, it is the basic disciplines required to reach a certain goal. College football National Champions aren’t crowned the first week of January. They are developed every other day of the year. The product is their crystal ball, but their life is the process.

Nick Saban demands perfection from not only his players, but the fans as well. More particularly,  Saban expects the best from the students at the University of Alabama. All week the Crimson Tide prepares for a sixty minute game. Our favorite boys of fall play for four; we are expected to stay for four. In reality, fans are vital. But the student fans play an important role. We buy the tickets, that fund the team made up of students. We cheer so loud for our classmates and friends on the field, that we become part of the defense to protect our house. Students, just like players, are part of the process. 

Imagine Bryant-Denny stadium only reaching half capacity for the biggest game of the season. The dynamic of that game is altered entirely. Because the team lost support, they lost momentum. Lack of momentum resulted in lack of passion. Lack of passion yielded lack of life. Lack of life gave way to complacency. Complacency gave birth to a crumbled team. Similarly, the American church is facing its biggest rivalry of all time. The US Church may be backing off from the enemy in the name of political correctness. Personally, I believe the genuineness of the modern day church as a whole is in question. I don’t care about numbers by any means; I care about the people. Without the help of security, students, fans, concession stand workers, custodians, and supporters; Saturdays in Tuscaloosa would not be the same. Similarly, when the people aren’t doing their job, the church cannot function in a way that causes a legitimate change for Jesus Christ. And that’s the point of the Body; to be the hands, feet, heart, eyes, and ears for the Kingdom of God.

I remember being a sophomore in high school when this whole “christianity” thing really clicked for me. That’s the year when my faith jumped off the pages of an ancient book and came alive to me for the very first time. I was fifteen when Hebrews 4:12* made sense. I remember thinking that I had too many skeletons in my closet to be used by Christ. I had to realize, through many frustrating Kelly attempts, that there is no such thing as perfection. I was shown love, forgiveness, and mercy on a day-to-day basis. I don’t know the exact date that everything clicked for me, but I do know that every day since has been a battle. Every day has been either a step closer or further away from God; I’ve gone in both directions. I have learned and grown so much, but the exciting thing is, I’m still at the surface of the magnificence of Christ. 

Often times, I’m frustrated with how easily it is to fall into a sinful behavior. I am my own worst enemy. Most of you are your own worst enemy. But the word of God tells us who the real enemy is. Our Savior fought Satan. Christ has given us a way out, a way has been provided for us to escape the grips of this world. And more times than not, we refuse to accept is. Or if we choose to accept our hope, it is a temporary lifestyle change. Many people become frustrated with temptation and failure. Most (like myself) struggle with spiritual disciplines. Multiple factors go into backsliding. The biggest thing that I have struggled with in the past is the lack of immediate results. I have been guilty of wanting my problems to go away with the snap of my fingers or a shallow prayer. Honestly, that’s not how it works. Ever single day is a fight for Christ. Every step is either towards righteousness or destruction. Every decision is made in wisdom or foolishness. Christ followers are made new creations through the blood of the Lamb and we are strengthened through fellowship, discipleship, discipline, and obedience. We are made perfect in Christ, not through our own efforts. Being real with Christ requires you to be real with yourself. A total self check up can be an ugly thing, but it can also be a grand realization of our need to make Christ a part of our every day lives. The truth is, if we want to spend an eternity with God, we must spend every day in His presence. He requires us to be a living sacrifice. The only true way to worship him, is to live every day for him, with him. (Romans 12:1*) 

How are we to make a difference being one person? How are we suppose to find the strength to be on the field for Christ at all times? How do we avoid getting burnt out? How do we become victors of our every day demons? The answer is simple.

A walk with Christ is the ultimate process.

*”For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes are him to who we must give account.” -Hebrews 4:12-13

*"Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God- this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is- his good, pleasing and perfect will." -Romans 12:1-2

Until Now

In less than one week I will embark on the most significant journey of self discovery that one ventures on during the course of their entire life, college. I am so excited, nervous, anxious, happy, sad, and terrified; all at the same time. I'm not beginning my new life with a 'me' mindset like most freshman do. Even though I believe more independence will taste so sweet, I do not plan to waste my time at the University of Alabama. I believe this will be, among many things, a spiritual quest like no other. These are the years where a majority of people lose their religion for whatever reason; but for me, I plan on attacking my new home with a mission state of mind. 

I've grown up and been awaken to what can lay ahead of me. I've been so filled with the Spirit and have seen the workmanship of God before my very eyes. I've had the opportunity to work with friends that I now call family, and family that have become my friends. I'm beyond blessed to be a part of a church that loves, worships, and prays like no body of believers that I have ever experienced. I've had someone invest so much of his time and prayers in my life that I honestly believe I would be nowhere near the person I am without him and his amazing family; and I've seen my family grow in their faith through servanthood. All of these things have contributed to the woman I am today, and will continue to impress on me as I become the woman that God is molding me into. 

This summer has been so beneficial to my preparation for the future. The months passed quickly, but my memories are sweeter than any other that I have. I have experienced so much, but it's just the tip of the iceberg. Every day I learn something new, and realize how ignorant I am. I'm so excited to learn and grow in my faith over the next four years. Right now I'm going to tell you a synapse of why this summer was a summer that will always be a topic of conversation for me.

Paint a picture, film a movie, go to a theatre; do whatever you have to do to envision where a vital part of my summer took place. 

It's 90 degrees, and still; no relief from the heat or the humidity from the beautiful Caribbean Sea. You're on a bus passing by fishermen in homemade canoes, children playing in the streets, men selling the fruits of their labor, and women sitting on the porch doing laundry. On your right is the poverty struck jungle and on your left is a million dollar view. If you listen closely, you can hear music playing from a radio and the natives speaking Patois. Welcome to Oracabessa, Jamaica. 

We flew from Atlanta, Georgia to Montego Bay, Jamaica; the tourist city. The first thing that blew my mind was that I had the guts to fly. The second thing that blew my mind was the multimillion dollar tourist attraction being on the same islands as the concrete, plywood, clothesline village that I fell in love with; correction, whose people I fell in love with. I had a hard time believing that the two cities where less than three hours away from each other. 

During the morning hours of our trip we put our muscles to work at the Spicy Grove Children's Villa; which one day, God willing, will be a boys home. We weeded until we couldn't weed anymore, tile was laid, trash and leaves were burned, and the most beautiful bamboo fence was constructed. All of the sweat and fatigue was totally worth it because of the friendships we made or strengthened while working side by side. Some members of our team bonded closely with Tommy, we all love Alex, but I had the opportunity to spend a lot of time with Ian.  

He is Godly, a walking fortune cookie. Everything he says is spiritual, he is full of life lessons because he's lived a life without Christ. Sometimes I think that's why the Church is in such a state that it's in, especially in the Bible Belt; we have forgotten, or don't even acknowledge, that we have lived a life without Christ because there is no significant change in the hearts of most "christians" from before they accepted Christ, until now. Most people can't look backed on the life they led because it is the same life they are currently leading post baptism; I'm skeptical to say post-salvation. Anyways, back to Ian. He is an amazing person and I could have talked to him all day long. He's a father to two sweet children and all he wants, other than to please God, is to have a strong relationship with his children and teach them to have an eternal relationship with our Savior. What if that was the desire of every father out there?!

Tommy had an awesome faith too! But I didn't personally hear his story, so I don't want to write it. That's the thing about Jamaicans; if they had faith, they had it abundantly. We met a lady named Ms. Trisha. Hearing her speak about the Jamaican church was a blessing. She told the story of Hurricane Sandy flooding her home and do you want to know what she said? "God is a good God. The storm could have came at night when we could not see and many lives would have been lost." If I were a Jamaican listening to an American speak about a storm I probably would have heard, 'thank God it wasn't worse than it was but we lost blah, blah, blah.' But no, she saw the rainbow after the storm, not the storm itself. What if we learned to count our blessings instead of our troubles?

"Don't turn your halo into a noose. You are a blessed man." -Ian

The adults became our friends, but the children became our hearts. On the first day with the children, we drove past the triangle (a three way stop concept, minus the stop part) and in the back window 10 or 15 kids came running down the street behind our plain-Jane twelve passenger van. They weren't attracted by colors or gifts, but us. The doors of our van opened and so did our arms, the kids jump in them like we were their best friends. I felt at home 1, 155 miles away from my front door. 

For two hours a day, four days of the week, we hung out with the children of Oracabessa. That's all the time it took to fall in love with them. We played games, sung, danced, hugged, and most importantly, loved those kids. They were so open to Christ and knew so much. I remember walking around the property and hearing the girls singing praise songs and I even heard, "waves of mercy, waves of grace! Everywhere I look, I see your face!" I have always worked with children, but I have never been more amazed in my life than I was that week being with that group of kids. Their hearts are so big. The quote, "some people are so poor, all they have is money" is all I could think of when I thought about Americans. We have been blessed beyond measures; so blessed that we don't realize what we have are blessing. We have a terrible case of obligation. These children, these people, are some of the richest people I have ever encountered; yet they have next to nothing. 

My eyes were opened that week. I know that's a typical thing to hear from any teenager that just came back from any church trip; but it's true. I've never not been able to get people off of my mind, until now. I've never cried for people I barely knew, until now. I've never known what it means to count your blessings and be content with what you have, until now. I've never been so complete and so broken, until now. I've never heard testimonies like the ones my friends in Jamaica shared with me. I never thought I would ever be this ready to get back on an airplane. 

I never saw college as a mission field, until now. 

My goal isn't to have the right words and speak to groups of people about the love of Christ, because to be honest, that's all most people have ever known. My desire is to live a life that shouts the words I will never have the courage to say. I want to walk in truth and love. 

That's my mission mindset. What's yours?

                   

What's next?

I'm not an interesting person. I'm not the smartest student. I'm not the best child. I'm not the life of the party. I'm not the mouth of the south. I'm not a face  worth remembering. I'm not comparable to the rest of my peers. And I'm okay with that. As different as we all are, we are still faced with the same question. What's next?

For those of you who may come across this and do not know me personally, my classmates and I threw our caps last Thursday, May 23rd. It's officially summer, just like every other summer we've ever had. But our lives will be different with the fall. 

I can't tell you what's next for my classmates, my close friends, or even myself. Some of us are already working or taking summer classes. The rest of us start school in the fall... Roll Tide, by the way. That's where I will be. 

All of that is good and wonderful. We're doing something with our lives; something that matters. But when I asked what's next, the fall isn't what I was referring to. 

Called, chosen, separated, different... all of these words can be summed up as one; removed. 
Picture a jar of peanut butter. If it sits in the cabinet a few days, the oil will rise to the top; before you use it you have to mix it back together. There's a point to this, I promise. 

I look at the world and see destruction, a mess, and it breaks me. But what hurts even more than seeing the downfall our my world, is knowing it is my fault. What?! Kelly, you're a Christian; a good kid. That's not your fault! Yes it is. This world is the product of what we as Christians have allowed it to become. Because we are no different than the next person, because we do not live a radical life, because we fail to be the salt and the light of the world, we have contributed to corruption of our town, county, state, and nation. 

God has chosen us to be different. Yet, we look exactly like everyone else. I'm not excluded from this; I'm writing this for myself. We have been taught that we don't have to live a sold out life. We have adopted a watered down version of "Christianity". What we know is a manmade American easy-peasy religion. We aren't required to change our lives, our schedules aren't interfered with; don't worry, you don't have to leave your comfort zone. We pretend like our brothers and sisters across the world aren't risking their lives underground to praise God. What if it came down to that for us in the States?!

We have been called to live fruitful life; a being of love, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, joy, and self-control. These things don't come over night, but are grown through discipline. Discipline is what we lack. Back to the peanut butter analogy. Christians are the oil. We rise to the top of the crowd because something is different within us, or that's what is suppose to happen. Are we really different? Do we really separate ourselves from a sinful society? Not really, no. But if we were to live as we should, we would stand out from the crowd. Once the oil separates from the peanut butter, it has to be mixed back in so we can eat it right? Right. Then what's the point in being separated to begin with? When Christians remove themselves from the influence of a self-centered society and devote ourselves to Christ, our relationship with Him strengthens. Eventually our faith is strong, we're on the meat of the word (that DOES NOT mean we won't fail, we will, but we ARE forgiven). When our faith becomes strong and we gain self control, the oil can be mixed back in. The oil and the peanut butter are two different ingredients, but there cannot be one without the other. After surrendering to Christ and mixing in with society, we are different; equipped and able to making a difference for the Kingdom of God. 

The older I get, the more I study, the more I realize the life I lead is average. I am not running full force towards a risen Savior that battled Hell for me. I have been given the gift of salvation, that I do not deserve, and I am wasting it. I have been taught to waste it. I want to be that example in love and truth to the girls younger than me because I didn't have that example. The first step to being that person I want to be is realizing that I cannot live an apathetic life, I cannot disregard a calling from God, and I cannot rely on a once-a-week church service that will not fulfill my spiritual needs. I have to dig in God's word in order to have the type of relationship with God that I thirst for.  

This summer I'm on a mission; I have a new prayer. This summer is a summer of transformation. My desire is for God to mold me into the woman I have been called to be, a woman after his heart; a woman that is the same person Saturday-Sunday, at work or at home. A prayer to be an example in love and truth; I pray for a heart that will serve all. Every day I want to grow closer to the One who gave it all. This is a lifelong project. I have said it several times before and I say it again; our idea of a relationship with Christ is not even close to what it was meant to be. I am not okay with a halfway kind of faith. I want more. 

1 Corinthians 9:19

Abort Mission or Abort Yourself

I had an opportunity to have a conversation with a couple of friends the other day about an unusual topic. We talked about God, church, and how we viewed Christians. I know as a born again believer of Christ, a conversation about the person that is "number one" in our lives shouldn't be unusual at all, but comfortable. I realized that isn't the case. God is in the box we have built for him and he better not get out. He better not convict us or try to interfere in our lives. I mean, it's OUR lives. 

Wrong. 

This isn't our life. It never was our life. We made it ours. We were called to die to ourselves every single day and live through Christ, for Christ. That truth has been twisted, blurred, tweaked, and made the perfect measurements to fit inside the God sized area of our lives, if you even include Him at all. 

Kamikaze; my death is gain. 

Kamikaze were Japanese airman in World War II that were suicide bombers. They didn't have fuel to fly back to the carriers so they used their planes as bombs. They could have easily landed their planes some where and become Prisoners of War. But they chose to die for their country. That was how the Japanese airman gained honor. They didn't take the easy route that led to nothing. They made the hard decision, they took the narrow path, and died an honorable death (by Japanese description). 

Hypothetically speaking, the members of the Church are Japanese airmen. The church's plane landed safely on a small island. "Christians" have it hard. I mean we have had to live on a deserted island, find food and learn to survive in the wild. We have accepted the title of Missing in Action. We chose to land. We chose to abort the mission and live an easy, meaningless, unfulfilling life. 

Everyday is a choice. For the vast majority, some unknowingly, Christians choose to abort the mission. What if one day we wake up, tired of the same ole emptiness we live with everyday, and choose to get on the battlefield. What if we embrace the mission and fight until the war is won? What if we chose to abort ourselves everyday?

I've been marked by my Maker, a peculiar display.

Oh man. If we, myself included, put the same effort, the same faith, into our relationship with Christ as we do sports, significant others, work, or dare I say, church, what would this place look like? I can tell you what it won't look like. It won't look like anything we've ever seen. 

I believe that there are so many people in my community searching for something more than the lives they are living. They may not know that they are looking for Christ, but they are. What if those of us who claim God as number one in our lives, actually made him number one. I can see the spiritual spark and flicker of individual fires all over this place. God wants to work. God is fighting for us. God's heart is shattered because we haven't given ourselves to him. We live the American definition of Christianity. The American definition of following Christ is a wide and wore path. Many have mistaken it for the straight and narrow. God is waiting for us to die to ourselves every single day. He loves us so much. It will take your breath away if you take time to think about it. 

It's never too late to die to yourselves and live for God. You're never too far into sin to get out. You are never too far away from God that he can't reach. You will never have a stain so big or messy that God can't clean it. He's waiting on us. What's it going to be?

Abort Mission or Abort Yourself?