The University of Alabama has awoken a part of myself that I didn’t know existed. I have never been so in love with my life, so eager for engagement, so invested in the people around me, so adventurous, so uncomfortable, so strong, so emotional, so overwhelmed, so happy, so joyful, so at peace. The Capstone has brought me more laughter, happiness, and friendships than I could ever have imagined. My heart is held captive by my crimson and white life, it is filled with my new-found family and held in the hands of my Father.
Always Thankful, Forever Tuscaloosa.
The
person I was in August and the person I am now, are strangers;
resembling only in appearance. I have been chiseled, sculpted, and
sanded into the woman I am now by the amazing group of people God has
blessed me with. I will look back on my freshman year on this wonderful
campus and smile. No monetary gain could ever compare to what this
university has done for me. In a nine months, I have made friends that
have become my family and will be in my life until the end of my time. I
do not deserve any of the blessings in my life.
There
is no doubt in my mind that my freshman year at the University of
Alabama has been the best year of my entire life; but, mountain tops are
only attained from hiking out of low valleys. The two must exist
together. This year has been the most humbling year in my walk with
Christ. It has been made evident to me how I do not have my spiritual
life in order near as much as I thought I did. With these harsh
realizations have come unexplainable growth and confidence of my faith.
This growth has been consistent and, I pray, will continue to be. None
of this would have come about without the lessons I have learned so far
in my journey at the Capstone.
A
few weeks ago at the BCM (Baptist Campus Ministry), we had a Discovery
(mid-week service) that was the "worship experience". The night was
broken into stations; the names of God, confession, forgiveness, and
reflection. In the confession station, I was in a dimly lit room
surrounded by my family in Christ. Written on the blood red walls were
sins that my Savior went to the cross for, sins that infiltrate my life
and find refuge in my heart. I found myself knelt at a bench,
speechless, seeking forgiveness through silence and tears. In the corner
of the room was a cross; there we were asked to write one of our sins
on paper and nail them to the cross. Three words came to heart: gossip,
hatred, and self-righteousness. These three things have battled the
thrown of my heart and every drop of that is less room for Christ to
make His home in me. I have carried that night with me everyday,
constantly remembering the shame I felt when I brought myself to the
feet of Jesus.
Entering
the university, making my home at the BCM, and visiting new churches
introduced a lie to me; a lie that I have believed. Every stranger I
met, I stereotyped as being a perfect Christian; despite my biblical
knowledge that that was not actually possible. I felt like all of my
peers were much more mature in their faith that I am. Being around
people with a desire to be Christ-like is new to me and so extremely
humbling. I did not realize until the worship experience that I have put
myself on a pedestal; I have fooled myself into believe that I am the
rich woman eating from the table, when in reality, I am the homeless
girl sitting on the cold, hard floor. I subconsciously built the
strength of my faith up in my head because I was never involved in the
debauchery of kids I grew up with. This year, more than any other time
in my life, I realized that sin is not an action, it is of the heart.
When we view sin as behavior modification, rather than an intoxication
of the heart, we are entering a battle we are not prepared to win. I am
the least of these; I am the least of the least of these.
I am a convict. I am the perpetrator in the case of my self-righteous demise.
This
summer, my checklist includes two classes, my sister's wedding, work at
the rec center, family vacation, and a week at Spicy Grove Children's
Villa in Jamaica. All the things are just that, things. I am challenging
myself in a way that I have challenged myself a hundred times before;
that being, spend quality time with God in scripture and prayer every
day. If I am not growing, if I am not filled with the spirit, my daily
mission will be ineffective. I cannot give what I do not have. I cannot
overflow with Christ if I am running on fumes. If you're like me, I
challenge you too. Not only do I challenge you to spend quality time
with God everyday but I challenge you to cut things out of your life
that are distracting you from the will of God. Both of these things are
on my summer to-do list, and I pray for continuation throughout the rest
of my life. This blog is a confession and a call to accountability. I
do not know who reads these words (thank you, btw), but whoever you are,
you know me somehow. Remind me of these words I wrote.
God bless y'all.
He saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness,
but
according to his own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal
of the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us generously through Jesus
Christ our Savior, so that, having been justified by his grace, we might
become heris having the hope of eternal life. -Titus 3:5-7
*I rarely write about my legitimate, blood family. I love them more than life itself. They mean more to me than anyone, except God. Without them, the life I lead would be nothing but a dream.
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