Jesus Ruined My Life.

I should be studying for my two midterms I have this week. Or, I should be sleeping (it's 2:34 a.m.) so exhaustion doesn’t claim tomorrow’s victory. I should be reading the book that has captivated my mind. Or, I should be lost in songs that express my silence.

Instead, I’m writing.

With tear stained cheeks, I write with honesty. And honestly, I am broken. I am torn. I am completely at loss. I am imprisoned. I am losing. I am trapped inside my mind and drowning in unknown thoughts. Maybe that’s what happens when the person I was and the person I have become no longer recognize one another.

I guess that’s what happens when Jesus ruins your life.

I have always led a life pleasing to my parents and sister, pleasing to my friends and family, pleasing to my employers and co-employees, pleasing to my pastors and church, and pleasing to myself. And there’s the problem-- I have always led a life pleasing others and self.

Until five months ago, to live was self and die was loss. I was Kelly Hollifield; URec supervisor, public relations student, Journey Group leader, softball fanatic, youngest daughter, sister, and best friend. I was pleasing.

Everything about who I am has changed. It started with saying “yes” and was followed by an incredibly terrifying prayer, prayed by an oh-so-ignorant me. I faithlessly asked God to tear who I was down to dust and raise my life up in the likeness of Christ. I submitted this request before the Lord without knowledge of the depth of the request or  expectation of fulfillment of the request.

Writing this, I feel like the father in Mark 9 as he’s asking Jesus to heal his son- “I do believe; help my unbelief!,” the possessed boy’s father cried.

And that changed everything.

I accepted Christ in the 4th grade. I knew God was Creator of all things, seen and unseen. I knew man and woman were created in His image and created for himself. I knew He allowed man to choose- God or man. I knew man chose self and our way leads to emptiness and separation from God the Father. I knew we could not fix our own brokenness and clean up our own mess, so God had to come to Earth in flesh as Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and rescue humanity through living the perfect life, dying the perfect death, and raising from the dead, defeating the grave once and for all. I knew Jesus was the only way to be with God the Father and whoever does not believe will perish. I knew this truth, if accepted, called us into a family of believers. I did not understand what the gospel looked like in the flesh, off the pages of the Bible, until I was a sophomore in high school. I did not grow significantly in my faith until college. And I did not understand the command to come and die until the summer.

I guess death is a topic we attempt to avoid. It hurts and it’s real.

I remember sitting in the floor of the Redemption House having our last family bible study, when my teammate, Caroline, asked what from Ephesians 6 we would be willing to take back to our cities to impact lives around us with the gospel. I told the team I was taking back a new heart.

“Slaves, obey your earthly masters with respect and fear, and with sincerity of heart, just as you would obey Christ. Obey them not only to win their favor when their eye is on you, but as slaves of Christ, doing the will of God from your heart. Serve wholeheartedly, as if you were serving the Lord, not people, because you know that the Lord will reward each one for whatever good they do, whether they are slave or free.” -Ephesians 6:5-8

The repetition of “heart” convicted me. I’ve never been good at using my heart because I fear emotional pain. But I also know, the greatest command is to love God and the second is like it- love people to Jesus. Love is a choice, a choice that flows from the heart. How can I love and love well without an active heart?

I cannot.

I’ll tell you this, I have never experience so much emotional and spiritual pain than I have this semester. I have not cried so many tears over the filthy rags of my life and the lostness of the world around me. I have never forfeited so much sleep from being lost in thought or scripture. I have never disappointed so many people so close to me or grown in unexpected friendships as I have this semester. I have never had to make so many decision or divide myself among so many people. I have never ended every single day in pure exhaustion. I have never had senses so aware of my sinfulness. I have never been on the outside looking in.

On the flip side of that, I have never known how to love well until now. I have never gone so deep in relationships with others. I have never felt compassion the way I do now. I have never experienced joy and fulfillment on this level. Having a heart, and using it, has changed who I am. Jesus himself said he came to give abundant life- abundance is the good and the bad.

How foolish was I to believe the newness of my life, the restored sense of purpose, and the undeniable transformation of my life would not affect every single aspect of my being?

Jesus did ruin my life-- MY life. Jesus ruined the very thing I thought would be mine as long as my heart was beating. Only to find out, it was never mine to begin with. Jesus had to ruin my life, He had to kill me so I could walk in his life. I cannot be like me and be like Jesus at the same time. So, I had to die and I have to die each day.

“I have been crucified with Christ, and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me.” -Galatians 2:20

I am not just now dying, I died a long time ago. My life was ruined by Jesus when I died with him on the cross. He had to die, I had to die, so that I may live a life with Him after he resurrected from the dead. His great love brought me back to life from the dead. When he was resurrected, so was I. As he lives, so do I. I cannot do what Jesus has not already done. On my own, I cannot live. My life is Christ. He is alive and I am not.

“For to me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain.” -Philippians 1:21

Dying is painful. Dying is intentional. Dying to denying yourself in a self-satisfying culture. Dying is pursuing holiness as Christ is holy. Dying is running after Truth. Dying is losing. Dying is suffering. Dying is soul-wrenching. Dying is misunderstood. Dying is rare. Dying is hard. Dying is impossible without Christ.

Dying gives way to new life, and new life is worth the death.

“For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us.” -Romans 8:18

 “Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more. And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, 'Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people,and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away. And he who was seated on the throne said, ‘Behold, I am making all things new.' Also he said, 'Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.’” -Revelation 21:1-5

Jesus ruined my life and I am so thankful he did. 

It's who You are.

You're a good, good Father. It's who You are. And I am loved by You. It's who I am. 

These words have echoed the minds and hearts of the team this week. Our third week in Indianapolis has proven to be our hardest week yet. With home sickness, physical illness, and spiritual warfare coming into play all at once, we have been weighed down by this world. The battle for the throne of our hearts is raging. The Enemy is feeding lies into our hearts- purposeless, insecurity, guilt, and fear to just name a few. These things are not of God. This week we have been pushed to breaking points and more tears than I can count have been shed. We are under attack. The Enemy is throwing heavy stones, each blow is aimed at our weaknesses in attempt to break our spirits and take our focus off of the calling we have received. Battles that have already been won are rekindling in our hearts. Our failures, our mistakes, our friends, our families, our struggles, and our pride have stabbed like knives this week- each cut seeks to weaken the unbreakable bond between our good, good Father and his children. Everything this week has tried to cause division in our faith family; this week has tried to damaged the body of Christ. 

Thank God we have read the Book and we know we are named victorious by the precious blood of Jesus Christ, our Lord. 

We know the Enemy has come to kill, steal and destroy; but Jesus came so we may have life and have it to the full. This morning at church, this verse was referenced and it was said, "Jesus brings life to the full. Not just full of happiness, but full of sorrow." I have never thought of the verse that way even though I have heard it countless times. 

The word "full" is defined two ways; 1) containing or holding as much or as many as possible; having no empty space and 2) not lacking or omitting anything; complete. Fullness in Christ is joy in salvation; it is also suffering in this world. Fullness in Christ is love from the Father; it is also love for our enemies. Fullness of Christ is restoration through blood; it is also brokenness by sin. There can be no white without black, no day without night, and no good without bad. 

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." -James 1:2-4

Without trials, we cannot and will not be complete. Without tests, we will be lacking. After perseverance through the storms, perfectly we will stand in the Light.

Even though this week has been a constant fight, our team is closer. I give thanks to God for His grace and mercies given abundantly to His children. Our team is learning to carry each other's burdens and patiently love one another. We are learning how to suffer like Christ and extend grace because much grace has been extended to us. And through the rain, both spiritual and physical, we have learned to sing praises to the author and perfecter of our faith. 

Thank God our victory in Christ trumps the schemes of Hell. 

We still have three weeks here in Indianapolis. Honestly, time is passing too quickly. We want to see this city redeemed for Jesus Christ. We also realize we are on a schedule- thank God for being timeless. He was here before us, He is here with us, and He will be here after us. His kingdom work did not start and will not end with us. Thank you Jesus for that! Our team and this city need your prayers. Pray that we may endure trails like Christ and with a child-like faith. Pray for strength when we're weak and opportunities to share Christ. Pray for safety as we travel. Pray for the Enemy to back off. Pray for Jesus Christ to save souls, even if we have nothing to do with it. But most importantly, pray God's will be done in this city. 

With love,
Kelly

'Round and 'Round in Circle City

Two weeks ago, our Generation Send team departed from Fosters, Alabama and drove ten hours to Indianapolis, Indiana. Looking back on our trip up to Circle City, it seems like two days ago- and two months ago at the very same time. The bus ride up here was just one of many, many adventures! Time is passing way too fast, but the Lord is providing more opportunities than I can count and is showing me over and over how His plans are higher than my plans. Our team is God orchestrated and we have become a tight-knit family. Saying I'm blessed beyond measure is an understatement. 

I could write pages about our suffering and God's graces. Instead, I want to give y'all a glimpse of a day in our life. Also, we have much to celebrate. I cannot wait to share!

There are nine members of our team- BK, Evan, Katelin, Caleb, Collin, Caroline, Rachel, and Joseph. God has provided us with two areas of ministry. Katelin, Caleb, Caroline, Rachel, and Joseph are on the east side; BK, Even, Collin, and I are on the south side. Just a brief overview- the east side is section 8 housing with high crime and drug use. The south side is an apartment complex with seclusion and loneliness. Both areas are filled with brokenness, are without community, and are in desperate need for Jesus. The Lord has called and equipped each member of our team to a specific area to love people to Him. And that's what we are doing. 

A normal day for us begins around 8:00 AM. We take public transportation to our ministry sights. While we are on the bus, our goal is to engage with people in conversation with the intention of turning the conversation to Christ. Is this easy? NO. People, including myself, do not want to talk on a bus or early in the morning. Regardless of how we feel, the Lord is using our weakness to make much of Christ and glorify himself. You know the best thing about God's will? He does not need us. The pressure and weight of the world is not on our shoulders, it's on the cross. Our team shares in the desire to carry the everyone's burdens, so we have to remind ourselves daily that it is not our job to save the world- Jesus already did that! Our job is to passionately follow Christ, fall more and more in love with him, and use our lives to show others the salvation we have received- the FREE gift! Nothing we will ever do can save us; attempting to work for our salvation is cheapening Christ's death on the cross and resurrection from the grave. That is SO comforting in moments when I feel like what I do matters more than what Jesus did. Anyways, after we take the bus 30-45 minutes to the East and an hour to the South, we hit the ground running. The first few days here were spent prayer walking the area and identifying needs within our community. Like I previously mentioned, both areas are broken and in need of Jesus. Our "job" is to meet these people, build relationships with them, hear their hearts, and point them to Jesus. People are not projects and they are not too far gone. They also don't care what you know until they know that you care. I constantly remind myself of these truths. Both East and South teams have met so many wonderful people, but they are all searching for something- we know the answer is Jesus. For most of our day, we are investing and sharing life with the contacts we've made. At night, we MAY see each other for dinner- I wouldn't bet on that though. We all return to the church between 7-8 PM, utterly exhausted from the physical, emotional, and spiritual demands of the day. Most nights, we spend time as a family playing cards or basketball, watching movies, or just sitting up talking. We'll hit the sheets somewhere around midnight and repeat the whole process the next day. Doesn't sound difficult or tiring? I guess I forgot to mention the  7ish miles a day that we walk the streets. Yes, this is hard; but, I wouldn't change this life or experience for anything in the world. These past two weeks have pushed me, grown me, and blessed me in ways that I will remember the rest of my life. 

I also mentioned already that we have much to rejoice about. Both the East and South sides are starting community group bible studies next week! We have met so many people interested in the gospel and we want to give it to them. The community groups we are helping put together will, God willing, continue after we leave. We are hoping to raise up leaders to continue this ministry long after we return home. Our prayer is for these community groups to grow and flourish into a church on mission- a church on fire for Christ. We serve a God of power, he's in the business of blowing our minds and changing our hearts. We are in prayer for a revival in this city, beginning with a revival in our hearts. The community groups God has given us the tools and people to form are only the start! 

None of these things could be possible without prayer and discernment from the Holy Spirit. Thank you all for the support, prayers, and love you have sent to me and my GenSend family. You are a crucial part of the ministry happening in Indianapolis. I will update again soon. Until then, remember the words of Paul in Ephesians 3-

"Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen." (v. 20-21)

Pray impossible prayers, expect the unexpected, and watch God move.  

Wind Blown

When I can’t sleep, I write. When I can’t write, I stare. Tonight (well, this morning), I do all three.

I haven’t written in weeks. Correction, I haven’t written in months. Someone, who knows me better than I know myself, texted me and said, “I’m not telling you to write...You just tend to express your feelings better on paper.” Well, to no surprise, you’re right. Again.

So, to catch everyone up, I just finished my sophomore year at the University of Alabama. This semester, I was #blessed to say the very least. I had the privilege of facilitating a Journey Group bible study for wonderful freshmen girls. Seriously, this bunch taught me and pushed me to grow in Christ all year! I had the opportunity to work another year with the best staff at UREC and I didn’t fail economics. I gained barista skills at Nehemiah’s Coffee House and in exactly nine days, I will head to Indianapolis to serve with GenerationSend for the next six weeks! The Lord has worked, moved, and changed in my life and the lives of those around me. It was nothing short of another amazing year at Bama! Of course, there have been challenges...

I have been feeling busy; busy trusting myself, which is exhausting.

I have been feeling off; off balance, and it’s my fault.

You know the feeling in your chest when something in your life just isn’t right? There’s an indescribable void; not an absence of purpose, but a silence. I’ve decide it’s the feeling created when I am planning my path and establishing my steps. Long story short, I have been following my own map. The Lord has allowed me behind the wheel- and to be honest, I am tired of driving. The Word of God says,

“Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit”— yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.” -James 4:13-15

I am twenty years old and, in my humble opinion, I am at the country’s best university. But, every single day, uncertainty and fear of the future arises. Pressure to perfectly perform in the classroom and in an internship is preached to students day-in and day-out. Failure to devote our lives to our fields of study, we are told, will end in a waste of our time and our degrees being used for nothing more than a wall decoration. We are told that success comes in the form of careers and cars or money and marriage. The expectation to be elite is so high, we think we will surely break if we fall. Students are constantly compelled to plan for tomorrow, as if tomorrow is promised. This is draining. More importantly, this is false. At the end of our lives, we won’t remember what our professors said or the savings we earned. I imagine, at the end of this life, my thoughts will venture to those I love. Maybe even more than that, I will think of the chances I didn’t take or all of the times I gave into the idea that the American Dream is all there is. My fear is, I will look back on my life and realize I focused more on the temporary than the eternal. I’ve been in this boat lately; and the waves of this world have made me off balance.

I’m not the only person who has ever been terrified, tired, and torn by the wind. Peter, one of Jesus’ disciples, was traveling across the sea with other disciples in a boat tossed back-and-forth by the waves. In the distance came the figure of a man; but how could this be? Man cannot walk on water! Then the voice of God in flesh (Jesus) called out among the storm, “Take heart; it is I. Do not be afraid.” (Matt 14:27) Of course, this was easier said than done for these friends of Jesus. Like many of us, Peter had a “prove you’re really Jesus” moment. Jesus commanded Peter to walk on the water to him... in the middle of a storm! Peter faithfully stepped out of the boat onto the choppy waters and walked- eyes fixed on Jesus. Unfortunately, a brief moment of panic overwhelmed Peter, instilling fear and doubt deep within him. When he lost sight and focus of Jesus, Peter began to sink. The remarkable thing is, Jesus immediately reached his hand out to save his friend. He didn’t allow him to struggle in the stormy sea longer than a few seconds. Everybody in the boat worshiped Jesus for this rescue saying, “Truly, you are the Son of God.” (v. 33) You see, Peter found himself off balance. His distraction led to him sinking and the only person who could set him back on steady ground was Jesus. I’m here to tell you, no matter what anybody says, not much has changed since this happened. Jesus is the only person who is capable of easing the fear of the future (including the fear of death/eternity) and giving us purpose in this world.

Side note: Not only did Peter doubt the Lord, he was a denier of Jesus (Luke 22:54-62). Through his disbelief and weaknesses, Christ  did not give up on him. In fact,  he became the foundation for the New Testament church (Matt. 16:18). If you’re at a place where you believe you’re unusable or outside of God’s grace/forgiveness, you’re wrong. You may just be off balance.

Now, here’s why I think this is my fault. God is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. He is never growing old or weary, he is always constant, and he is always good. It is I who changes. My sails redirect with the wind, wind that I create with my lack of spiritual disciplines. This may sound like a bunch of mumbo jumbo. In layman’s terms, my eyes have been off of Jesus. My focus has briefly moved from my Savior. One of my favorite quotes I’ve come across is, “One of the great uses of Twitter and Facebook will be to prove at the Last Day that prayerlessness was not from lack of time” -John Piper. OUCH! I constantly have my phone on me and, I would guess, I check social media at least 20 times a day. An hour or two of my time everyday is spent checking up on what people are up to. That may be the problem right there- we are obsessed with what other people are doing. This is causing a blindness to our own lives and relationships (with others and with God). I am guilt of this; social media is one gust of wind that tears at my sails. Running with the same idea of being engrossed with other people’s lives, we tend to form a jealousy from what we see on social media. For example, one of my struggles is a desire to be in a relationship. Seeing many of my friends in, what seems to be, happy and healthy relationships creates an envious spirit within me- even if it’s just for a moment. What I have to remind myself of is there are church boys and men of God, I choose to wait for the latter. Who knows? Marriage may not even be in God’s perfect design for my life! My want for a relationship, and me sometimes trying to rush God’s timing, is yet another gust of wind in my sails. These gust, over time, wear and destroy me. Only the peace found in Jesus Christ can calm the wind. Only eyes and hearts fixated on Jesus will keep my boat from capsizing. Will my seas always be calm because I trust Jesus? No. Will I always be calm because I trust Jesus? Probably not. Sin nature still gets the best of me at times. Will I ever drown, no matter how rough the waves of this life get? Never.

So if you’re like me, off balance, turn your eyes back to Jesus. I know I am. There’s no better place to be than in the palm of the hand of the Creator of the universe. There is no greater love than the Savior who lived the life we couldn’t, died the death we deserved, and rose again to give us life. There is no greater forgiveness than that found at the foot of the cross.
 

“Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!” -Psalm 46:10

I am Beastly.

I just was scared that you didn't love me. And I didn't think you could because of how ugly I am. I should've known better. That's not who you are. You took one look at me and still said you'd seen worse. And somehow, when I'm around you, I don't feel ugly at all.
    -Kyle, Beastly

Over the past few weeks, my life has been an absolute whirlwind. I am constantly on the move; or better yet, on the run. Somewhere in the midst of my crazy life, I have had the chance to really think about how I am. I constantly write about myself and lessons I have been taught, but I never write about why I am the way I am or where I have been.

This is that blog.

I was born in Tuscaloosa, the City of Champions. Forty miles southeast, is my hometown. Our two red lights and twenty churches is as close to championship status as we get. As a child, I was raised how a majority of people in the south were raised; church and little league, Friday night football and chasing fireflies, front porch sitting and country living. That is my life and I love it. As a preteen/young teenager, my life was a constant storm. At times, I felt as if I was drowning. I  found myself hopeless. I vividly remember reading the story of Job and how he lost everything he had, he almost lost his life, for being faithful to God. I remember crying out to God for help. I remember feeling as if my pleads hit the ceiling and fell back down on me like an unbearable punishment for a crime that I thought I did not commit. I did not understand sin, and more importantly, I did not understand how to escape it.

“All of us have become like the one who is unclean, and all our righteous (good) acts are like filthy rags; we all shrivel up like a leaf, and like the wind our sins sweep us away.” -Isaiah 64:6

As a child, I had the false idea that evil did not reign on Earth. I did not know that Satan inhabited the world. But, he does (1 Peter 5:8). When we accept the theory that Evil is in Hell, we accept a lie. The reason for the brokenness and pain of life is not caused by the hands of God, but by the hands of Satan. On our own, we cannot escape evil. On our own, we are hopeless and cannot be freed. We are, by nature, held captive by darkness. Yes, that’s a depressing thought. It is also a truth that has been ignored and pushed under the rug.

Please, let me share good news.

By nature, we are bad people. None of us are good, not even one. We have all sinned and deserve punishment by death. We all deserve eternity in Hell. All of us. Me, you, our best friends and family. Everyone. But God, the creator of Heaven and Earth loved us enough that He couldn’t bare the thought of us having no way out.

Picture a mountain, on top of the mountain is god(s)/God/Heaven/Nirvana/Paradise or nothingness- whatever you believe. Along all sides of the mountain are trails, all trails leading to the same point. Many modern day religions and people believe in this idea of “spirituality”. What if the God at the top came down to the bottom and traveled with us up the mountain, ensuring that we found the right path and made it to the top? All people would agree that would be awesome... He did! Let me introduce you to Jesus*
“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him.” -John 3:16, 17

God created humanity in his image, and humanity was deceived by Satan and fell. Sin breaks the heart of God, so he sent his Son to redeem us; a fallen people that do not deserve his forgiveness or goodness. He did all of this because he loves us. Jesus Christ was born of a virgin, raised by a carpenter, and lived the perfect life. During his ministry he preach hope and punishment if continuing in sin. He was put on trial and found guilty of blasphemy against God (his Father). The Roman soldiers took a blameless man, beat him until an unrecognizable point in the streets, nailed him to a cross, and mocked his name. While on that cross, Jesus prayed that God not hold these crimes against his murderers (Luke 23:34). Three days later, Jesus Christ rose from the dead; defeating (spiritual) death forever. He came to save us all- black, white, brown, yellow; man, woman, child; Jew, Gentile, Atheist, Hindu, Agnostic, Mormon, Buddhist; gay, straight, bisexual; criminal and saint. We are all equal. We all need to be rescued. We all have hope, only through Christ.

Salvation and freedom does not end at the acceptance of Christ and his sacrifice. “You believe that God is one; you do well. Even the demons believe- and shudder!”(James 2:19) The passage continues to discuss the importance of works and faith together- as one. Being good and working hard are both admirable things, but behavior modification will not get you to Heaven. Nobody says it better than Jesus himself, “On that day (Judgement Day) many will say to me, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and cast out demons in your name, and do mighty works in your name?’ And then will I declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from me, your workers of lawlessness.’ (Matthew 7:22) Honestly, that’s a scary thought. But I think it has never been more relevant. I can picture on that day, people pleading, “Lord, I was a good person. I never killed another. I never went to jail.” or “Lord, didn’t I volunteer at church enough? Didn’t I serve on enough committees? Did we not build buildings and host events for our youth in your name?”. All of that is worthless if we are not spreading the gospel and giving the people we serve the truth.

And the truth is, the majority of this world are currently on the wide road that leads to Destruction. Destruction is a less scary word used in the place of Hell. The Word of God tells us that only those that keep His commands love Him. Knowing the answers to religious questions or checking a box for a religious preference will not cut it. The Lord says the “religion” he accepts is caring for orphans, widows and not being polluted by the world (James 1:27).

 I believe we choose to overlook some of the most important scriptures, the not-so-pretty scriptures.

“Now the worlds of the flesh are evident: sexual immortality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry (worship of not only multiple gods, but objects/people. ex=sports, significants, jobs, self) and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.” (Galatians 5:19, 20)

Many people see read these verses and get angry because it seems that God condemns their  lifestyles. God is a God of love and forgiveness, but he also wants all of us. He cannot look on sin. Yes, followers of Christ mess up just as much as everyone else. Yes, I sin; I’m the chief of sinners (Paul actually said that, but it works for me too). No, it is never too late to find freedom from sin. No, God does not care who you are or where you’ve been. His arms are open. God wants to free you from the darkness that infiltrates our lives. Please, give God a chance. Talk to me, talk to someone.

At the beginning of this blog, I referenced a quote from one of my favorite movies, Beastly. The main character, Kyle (the Beast), feels ugly and unloveable in the presence of Lindy (Belle). Kyle’s character was the average Mr. High School who gained popularity by the belittlement of others. He didn’t believe Lindy could love him because of how retched he is, physically and spiritually. But, after spending time with her, he learns that is not her character. She loves even the most unlovable of people. That’s how God is for us. Previously, I mentioned the heartbreak and darkness in my life. I felt like God could not love me because of the person I was. Sometimes I feel like God can’t love me because of the person I sometimes am. These are all lies.

“God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” -Romans 5:8

The message of the gospel is not how to get to Heaven or how to be good. Often Christianity is a list of rules to follow. Being a follower of Christ is a step followed by a process. It is not a one time decision. Everyday, we make the decision to follow man or God, the road to destruction or everlasting life. Once a person makes the choice to be a follower of Christ, you cannot be snatched from God’s hand; true salvation is forever. Life will not be easy, that’s guaranteed in Scripture. But we keep running the race to get the Prize. (Philippians 3:14)

It’s never too late to choose Life. It’s never too late to choose God.

*This conversation was written in Radical by David Platt

The Call for Christmas

It’s Christmas; the most wonderful time of the year and the season for miracles. There is not a season that brings me more joy and peace than this. Year after year, I am in awe of our family’s tree; colorful, flickering lights intertwined in the branches of our artificial tree and handmade ornaments from the ghost of Christmas past bring happiness to my heart. Our tree seems to lose its height when surrounded by mountains of perfectly wrapped gifts. Garland, stockings, and Nativities cover every surface of our home. The smell of cookies and our log burning fireplace constantly fill the air. Every single night, my mom asks my dad what movie is on Hallmark. His reply never fails, “They canceled that channel and I am so sad. I tried to talk them out of it, but they didn’t listen to me,”; or something along those lines. Everyone seems to be happier, even if it’s just for a few days.

This past semester at the University of Alabama has been academically, emotionally and spiritually challenging. It’s been my toughest semester so far. Being home, being calm, has given me time to ponder freely for the first time since the heat of the summer. Between the holiday season and having time to think, I’ve realized something that shocked even me.

I really don’t like the phrase “keep the Christ in Christmas”. I suppose it’s not the phrase itself, but the ones who use the phrase. Stick with me, give me a chance to explain.

I am from central Alabama, the deep south, the heart of the Bible Belt. I could not be more thankful for the life and location I have been blessed with. But, blessings come with irritating truths as well. I have mentioned this in almost all previous blogs; being from this area means widespread knowledge of basic biblical principles, events, and stories. We have created calloused hearts to the raw truths of the gospel, raw truths that change those who hear forever. Unfortunately, for the majority of our area, the Word of God no longer yields a new creation or divides the soul and spirit. Has the Creator of the Universe, the God of our ancestors, the Savior of the world forsaken us? Has He transformed with the advancing of age or switched course like the ever-changing winds? No, absolutely not.
The problem is with the people.

As we all probable know, Christmas is the celebration of the birth of Jesus. Hundreds and hundreds of years before his birth, he was prophesied. God himself, the creator of Heaven and Earth, was to send his son to be the Savior of all humanity. Immanuel, God with us, came to Earth through a virgin proving Christ to be 100% God and 100% man. Joseph, the man who raised Jesus, was a man of great character and honestly, many of us hold a greater social standing than he. The Messiah was thought to come as a great king or conqueror, but God came as a lowly babe and was raised as a carpenter’s son. Christ came forth the linage of David, just as the prophesy foretold, but he came humbly. He came with no name to boast of, no heritage to brag on, and no riches to display. Most importantly, Jesus came to bring us life and purpose. He lived the life we were meant to and died the death we deserved. Thank you God that the story doesn’t end there. He rose from the tomb three days after his death, the grave could not hold the King! Jesus is the only reason anybody on this planet even has the opportunity to spend eternity in Heaven with God the Father. If the reality of the Savior, Immanuel, Messiah, Prince of Peace, King of kings and Lord of lords coming from nothing doesn’t touch your heart, I pray it will.

Thanks be to God for his indescribable gift! -2 Corinthians 9:15

It is so blatantly obvious that Christ deserves Christmas as a celebration of God’s gift to the world, but that’s not what the day has become. (Btw, this is not a blog bashing Christmas as a holiday glorifying American consumerism. I’m not intelligent enough to write an entire piece on that.) Anyways, earlier I stated the problem isn’t with God, it’s with the people. (Now, I’m getting into why I don’t appreciate the way that phrase is used) I’ve observed a problem in people, starting with myself. The very ones who repeat “keep Christ in Christmas” in conversation and social media are, for the most part, the ones to blame for Christmas losing its spiritual origin. Here’s the point, Christ will not remain in Christmas if the 359 days before this one day are spent apart from Him. The Word of God says “Remain in me, as I also remain in you”1 and “It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me”2. These are promises made to those who follow Jesus and they do not just apply one day a year. Scripture commands us to remain in Jesus and he will remain in those who believe; remain means to “continue to exist”. This may come as a surprise to some, but visiting church on Christmas/Easter does not constitute as continuing to exist with Jesus. If we were to keep Christ in our Saturday nights and Monday mornings. in the forefront of our hearts and minds, and in our everyday lives- “keep Christ in Christmas” would not have to be said, it would be known.

The Bible is full of call after call for people to follow and do life with Jesus. Peter, a fisherman, was called to follow Jesus while at sea. Paul, an executor of Christians, was called to follow Jesus while he was traveling. Levi, a tax collector, was called to follow Jesus as he was working in the market. Mary Magdalene, a demon-possessed woman, was called to follow Jesus after he exorcised her. Lydia, a business woman, was called to follow Jesus while listening to the teachings of Paul. Rahab, a prostitute, was called to follow Jesus while protecting servants of the Lord. All of these examples have one thing in common; when called, they devoted their entire beings to the work of the Lord. These people were called while they were in different stages of life and seasons of year, just like modern day followers of Christ are called. But, they sacrificed their whole lives, every day of every year to glorify and spread the beautiful message of salvation that only comes through the gift of Jesus. If Christmas was an established, celebrated holiday in the time that biblical events took place, I imagine there to be no exchanging of gifts or catch phrase to remind them of the reason for the season of celebration. Everyday of their lives were lived worshiping the greatest gift of all time, everyday was spent abiding in the Lord, everyday was Christmas. Oh, what joy our generation would gain if boxes and bows would not have replaced the love of God shown through the gift of his son, Jesus!

Unfortunately, this complete abandoning of self and abiding in Christ is considered radical Christianity in our modern, comfortable world. Our generation accepts little of what God has to offer and gives of themselves even less. We are looking to sacrifice just enough to erase our guilt, but not enough to interfere with our lives. We are looking to collect maximum benefits of following Christ, without actually following all of what we claim to believe. What a shame it is that we knowingly choose to disregard the riches and satisfaction found in Christ alone in the name of another god that sits on the throne of our hearts, the god of self. The god of self tells us it’s okay to not surrender all we are to the one, true God. The god of self deceives us to believing we can be our own source of salvation. The god of self says good deeds and being a good person is enough to gain entrance into Heaven. The god of self establishes our comfort zone. The god of self says ourselves alone are enough. The god of self says we don’t have to sacrifice. The god of self encourages us to be one with the world. The god of self says the Sundays are for us. The god of self says church is not vital to our faith. Let me tell you this, the god of self is a liar.

Jesus Christ, the reason we celebrate Christmas, was given as a gift to mankind and he was given to be the head of the Church. Jesus was sent to Earth to reign, not as a successor king to an undeniable dynasty, but to reign as king of our lives. If we truly accept Jesus for all he is, he lives in us. Despite popular belief, the Church is not made to benefit those who already follow Christ, but for those who do not know him. The church equips and empowers the body of Christ to act as Jesus did in a lost and dying world. Jesus came to heal the physically and spiritually sick, just as the Church created for this purpose. The Church is not built of wood and brick, but it is built of people who chose to follow Jesus. A church building is a place of fellowship, rest, encouragement, prayer, discipleship, and learning for the Church; it is vital to the health and maturation of a Christian. I have no words to stress the importance of being an active member of the Church, a church, and understanding the difference between the two. It is not a secret that the American church is weakening, it’s evident in the direction of our nation. I believe the weakening church is attributed to the idea that church holds little to no importance. Fewer and fewer families are becoming actively involved in a local church, resulting in less involvement in local ministries, yielding less involvement in the Great Commission which is to go and make disciples of all nations. All nations begins right here, right where you are. Many people no longer see the relevance of attending church services. Maybe the churches you have visited have fallen into these categories: “they don’t have what we’re looking for”, “they don’t host many events”, “I don’t like the preaching”, “it’s too long”, “it’s too early”, “it’s boring”, or “I don’t like the music”. You know what I would say to that? The church is not for you. The church is not meant to cater individual needs; rather, individuals of a church are meant to serve the needs of the community-- that’s being the body of Christ, that’s being the Church. It’s terrifying to think the American church is diminishing because of the lack of entertainment for its people. Parents who are now choosing not to raise their children in church and choosing not to teach them the responsibilities of the Church are only becoming part of the problem. It is estimated, 80% of children after age 18 never or seldom return to church. I fear that number is on the rise because of parents, who were probably raised in church and raised to know the importance of Christ, do not want to be inconvenienced with weekly services that do not satisfy their wants. I am afraid that a generation is rising that do not know Christ and his gift of salvation. I am terrified that my generation is going to be content to settle for the American dream rather than live the life we were called to live by God. I am fearful that my generation will mistake following the rules for following Christ. I am burdened by the truth that my generation needs a reminder of why we celebrate the holy occasion of Jesus’ birth.

I am just a girl who is tired of hearing “keep Christ in Christmas” from those who refuse to keep Christ in their lives.

1. John 15:4
2. Galatians 2:20

“My biggest fear, even now, is that I will hear Jesus’ words and walk away, content to settle for less than radical obedience to Him.” -David Platt, Radical

I would love to hear from some of ya’ll!
@hollifieldkelly
hollifield.m.kelly@gmail.com

Summer Storms Bring Life Lessons

“Jesus has defined the relationship he wants with you. He is not interested in enthusiastic admirers who practice everything in moderation and don’t get carried away. He wants completely committed followers.” -Kyle Idleman; Not a Fan

Several times throughout my walk with Christ, I find myself referring to this book. Not a Fan is one of the most prevalent resources I have ever read; it has taught me the difference between fan and follower of  Jesus time and time again. This summer has been different than all the summers before, both good and bad.

First of all, if you didn’t already know, I just finished my freshman year at the University of Alabama. And what a marvelous ride it was! I have never experienced friendship in that way and I may never experience it again outside of those at the Capstone. I miss my family from Riverside and the BCM dearly and cannot wait to see you all again. I am very proud of the members of our faith family who are traveling the globe to spread the gospel this summer.

I have spent my summer being slightly less adventurous. My best friend and big sister married the love of her life in mid-June. I have a brother and my own bathroom for the first time in my life. Of course, a ring and a new last name won’t shake our relationship. I wouldn’t trade being a part of the Williams Wedding for anything in the entire world. And I managed not to cry on her big day. That’s a pretty big deal. I went to Panama City Beach with my mom and dad, worked at the Student Rec Center, and watching every episode of NCIS ever filmed (starting with its originate in JAG). I am thankful for this time of rest from the busyness that is college. Just like every other season, God is teaching. This lesson was a particularly hard lesson to learn.

My heart is people, it always has been and always will be. This summer, I had a lot of time to myself which led to some particularly disappointing self discoveries. I am keeping up with my friends on social media, mainly Instagram. My brothers and sisters in Christ are serving in Rio, Georgia, North Carolina, Gulf Shores, Arkansas, Colorado, Louisiana, Texas and even right here in Tuscaloosa. I am so blessed to call theses missionaries friends. Watching and reading their stories from the field made me even more anxious to get involved and more eager to have the children of Oracabessa in my arms again. July could not come fast enough. A few weeks into the summer, my gut started telling me the trip was no longer going to happen. I received conformation of this at the beginning of June.* My heart was broken. I have not felt an emptiness like that in years. I spent a year fundraising and preparing my heart for another opportunity to serve at Spicy Grove. Several weeks after hearing the new, I found myself slipping into spiritual frustration. My frustration was the product of not being around my faith family, being jealous of those serving, becoming stagnate, and hardening of the heart. A storm is the perfect way to describe this time; I would be lying if I said I was out of this storm. What better opportunity for God to teach me a lesson than time of heartache, insecurity, and complacency?

Missions is not a destination, but ones current location.

I am guilty of making statements about everyday being missional and living on the field in the past, but this summer has really taught me what those things actually mean. I want what I write to be honest, and honestly, I started to become bitter towards people having an awesome summer serving around the world. I felt unimportant to the kingdom on a good day and as if my absence doesn’t make a difference every other day. I am diagnosing myself with self-loathe/self-pity. It is an ugly disease that attacks the heart of a person and slowly works its way to the surface. Bitterness took over my thoughts for a period of time. My soul was dry.

And I had the audacity to blame the cancellation of a trip for it all.

Who am I to blame issues of my heart on circumstances outside of my control? My summer storm was my fault. I chose to build my life around one mission opportunity, rather than building my life on the mission field. I chose to draw encouragement from the idea of traveling back to Jamaica, rather than filling my being with the Holy Spirit. I chose to excite my heart with what God would do, rather than what he is doing. I chose to read Twitter, rather than the Word. And when push came to shove, I wondered why I felt so spiritual unsatisfied. I don’t know if it was more difficult being honest with myself or God, either way, it was scary. Honesty provokes change. In this case, a total breakdown and rebuild of many of my beliefs about how servant-hood actually works.

Throughout the rest of the summer, God has been teaching me what it means to serve Him. I always pictured a place or an organization, a group of people doing Kingdom work together. But sometimes, maybe even most of the time, service is lonely. I spent my summer in Brent, Alabama to learn about missions. I have no doubt about that. Time alone is time allowed to prepare my heart for people.

Storms are never in vain. Rain, shower or flood, allows rebuilding and growing to occur.

I have had so many ideas for ministry in my hometown. There is potential for amazing things to take place in this little town. All the programs and intentions are great and wonderful, but all will fail without prayer. All will fail if we follow the rules, instead of following Jesus. All will fail if we choose religion as a birthright and not a surrender of the heart. My mission is in central Alabama and I choose to accept it. Do you?

“Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourself fully to the work of the Lord, because you know in your labor the Lord is not in vain.”
-1 Corinthians 15:58

Bloom where you’re planted,
Kelly


*The trip could not happen due to internal team reasons. For anyone who donated/purchased Krispy Kreme donut, I still have your offerings and they will be used to fund a mission trip in the spring/summer. I cannot thank you enough for your donations and prayers.

From My Seat at the Feast to My Place in the Dirt

My heart has been stolen, and I don’t want it back.

 The University of Alabama has awoken a part of myself that I didn’t know existed. I have never been so in love with my life, so eager for engagement, so invested in the people around me, so adventurous, so uncomfortable, so strong, so emotional, so overwhelmed, so happy, so joyful, so at peace. The Capstone has brought me more laughter, happiness, and friendships than I could ever have imagined. My heart is held captive by my crimson and white life, it is filled with my new-found family and held in the hands of my Father.

Always Thankful, Forever Tuscaloosa.

 

The person I was in August and the person I am now, are strangers; resembling only in appearance. I have been chiseled, sculpted, and sanded into the woman I am now by the amazing group of people God has blessed me with. I will look back on my freshman year on this wonderful campus and smile. No monetary gain could ever compare to what this university has done for me. In a nine months, I have made friends that have become my family and will be in my life until the end of my time. I do not deserve any of the blessings in my life.  

There is no doubt in my mind that my freshman year at the University of Alabama has been the best year of my entire life; but, mountain tops are only attained from hiking out of low valleys. The two must exist together.  This year has been the most humbling year in  my walk with Christ. It has been made evident to me how I do not have my spiritual life in order near as much as I thought I did. With these harsh realizations have come unexplainable growth and confidence of my faith. This growth has been consistent and, I pray, will continue to be. None of this would have come about without the lessons I have learned so far in my journey at the Capstone.

A few weeks ago at the BCM (Baptist Campus Ministry), we had a Discovery (mid-week service) that was the "worship experience". The night was broken into stations; the names of God, confession, forgiveness, and reflection. In the confession station, I was in a dimly lit room surrounded by my family in Christ. Written on the blood red walls were sins that my Savior went to the cross for, sins that infiltrate my life and find refuge in my heart. I found myself knelt at a bench, speechless, seeking forgiveness through silence and tears. In the corner of the room was a cross; there we were asked to write one of our sins on paper and nail them to the cross. Three words came to heart: gossip, hatred, and self-righteousness. These three things have battled the thrown of my heart and every drop of that is less room for Christ to make His home in me. I have carried that night with me everyday, constantly remembering the shame I felt when I brought myself to the feet of Jesus. 

Entering the university, making my home at the BCM, and visiting new churches introduced a lie to me; a lie that I have believed. Every stranger I met, I stereotyped as being a perfect Christian; despite my biblical knowledge that that was not actually possible. I felt like all of my peers were much more mature in their faith that I am. Being around people with a desire to be Christ-like is new to me and so extremely humbling. I did not realize until the worship experience that I have put myself on a pedestal; I have fooled myself into believe that I am the rich woman eating from the table, when in reality, I am the homeless girl sitting on the cold, hard floor. I subconsciously built the strength of my faith up in my head because I was never involved in the debauchery of kids I grew up with. This year, more than any other time in my life, I realized that sin is not an action, it is of the heart. When we view sin as behavior modification, rather than an intoxication of the heart, we are entering a battle we are not prepared to win. I am the least of these; I am the least of the least of these.

I am a convict. I am the perpetrator in the case of my self-righteous demise. 

This summer, my checklist includes two classes, my sister's wedding, work at the rec center, family vacation, and a week at Spicy Grove Children's Villa in Jamaica. All the things are just that, things. I am challenging myself in a way that I have challenged myself a hundred times before; that being, spend quality time with God in scripture and prayer every day. If I am not growing, if I am not filled with the spirit, my daily mission will be ineffective. I cannot give what I do not have. I cannot overflow with Christ if I am running on fumes. If you're like me, I challenge you too. Not only do I challenge you to spend quality time with God everyday but I challenge you to cut things out of your life that are distracting you from the will of God. Both of these things are on my summer to-do list, and I pray for continuation throughout the rest of my life. This blog is a confession and a call to accountability. I do not know who reads these words (thank you, btw), but whoever you are, you know me somehow. Remind me of these words I wrote. 

God bless y'all.

He saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that, having been justified by his grace, we might become heris having the hope of eternal life. -Titus 3:5-7

*I rarely write about my legitimate, blood family. I love them more than life itself. They mean more to me than anyone, except God. Without them, the life I lead would be nothing but a dream. 

My name is Kelly Hollifield.

My name is Kelly Hollifield and I am an addict.

I am captivated by lyrics with meanings, photographs with stories, and experiences that cannot be verbalized. I live in my day dreams. I want to lead. I aspire to inspire. I am strong. I am as steady. I love people. I am real. I am honest. I think thoughts laced with ideas to bring life to the lifeless and hope to the hopeless. I seek opportunities to change the world around me. I am driven by the desire to be more than I am. I am thirsty for my Jesus. I see a life beyond the borders of my hometown, beyond my college town, beyond my state of origin and perhaps beyond the shores of my stars and stripes.

Those things make life worthwhile. Those things produce smiles and laughter. Those things give that amazing sparkle to the eyes of a passionate person. Those things yield confidence. Those things are the definition of living.

I have the inability to connect. I struggle relating to my generation. I push everyone away that tries to love me. I am known as being emotionless. I am practically a robot in the eyes of most. I have learned to have no expectation because they lead to disappointments. I have a heart that has been broken. I have walls that cannot not be penetrated; at least they haven’t been yet. I have a past. But more importantly, I have a future. 

Those things are the darkness. Those things are the bad days. Those things are the lows. Those things are not of God. Those things are real to me. Those things are lies. Those things are from the Great Deceiver. Those things are a part of life.

I have the worst addiction. It does not produce a high. It only leave you with regrets. I am addicted to excuses. My security blanket it fear. I crumble when fear breathes down my neck. When exposed, the only thing left of me is a long list of what ifs. I am living a life that I have been set free of. I have been set free from this world. To live is Christ and die is gain. That is not a message of fear, but hope. I was given the spirit of power, love, and a sound mind. I have sold myself short to the plan God has for my life; all in the name of fear.

But that’s the truth. I am afraid. I am afraid to fail. I am afraid I will lead a life with no legacy. I am afraid I will be forgotten. I am afraid to feel. I am afraid to open up. I am afraid to disappoint.  I am afraid that showing too much of my heart will lead to pain. I am afraid of my emotions. All of these fears are weighing down my life. All of these fears have effected my happiness. Happiness comes from seeking God’s face and His face alone. I want that more than anything.

I didn’t write this blog for pity or a pat on the back. I’m not looking for that. Don’t post any comments like that. What I am trying to do is something entirely new to me. This is unlike anything I have every written before.I want to be real. I want my reader’s to know who I am. I want all of you to do life with me. I want you all to be able to talk to me about all subjects. I want all of you to see my imperfections. I want all of you to know that I have been made perfect and blameless only through the blood of Christ. I want you all to know that fear is real, but boldness found in the Word of God trumps fear. I want all of you to know love; love found in Christ. I want all of you to find the hope I have found. His name is Jesus.

My name is Kelly Hollifield and I am on a journey to reckless abandonment.

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. -2 Timothy 1:7

My prayer for 2014 is to set aside things that break my heart and focus on the things that break my Father's heart. My prayer is to be lead where my feet may fail and my trust is without borders. 
Join me?

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dy9nwe9_xzw

I would like to start hearing from you guys. Feel free to email me at hollifield.m.kelly@gmail.com or you can find me on Facebook and Twitter.

The Process

Over the past few months the sports world has been buzzing. This has been a season of upsets. Two words have been associated with the Crimson Tide all season, “The Process”. The process is Nick Saban’s coaching mechanism that has resulted in three of the past five National Championship titles and made him one of the most feared yet desirable men in the college football world.

“Well, the process is really what you have to do day in and day out to be successful. We try to define the standard that we want everybody to sort of work toward, adhere to, and do it on a consistent basis. And the things that I talked about before, being responsible for your own self-determination, having a positive attitude, having great work ethic, having discipline to be able to execute on a consistent basis, whatever it is you’re trying to do, those are the things that we try to focus on, and we don’t try to focus as much on the outcomes as we do on being all that you can be. Eliminate the clutter and all the things that are going on outside and focus on the things that you can control with how you sort of go about and take care of your business. That’s something that’s ongoing, and it can never change.” -Nick Saban

In a nutshell, it is the basic disciplines required to reach a certain goal. College football National Champions aren’t crowned the first week of January. They are developed every other day of the year. The product is their crystal ball, but their life is the process.

Nick Saban demands perfection from not only his players, but the fans as well. More particularly,  Saban expects the best from the students at the University of Alabama. All week the Crimson Tide prepares for a sixty minute game. Our favorite boys of fall play for four; we are expected to stay for four. In reality, fans are vital. But the student fans play an important role. We buy the tickets, that fund the team made up of students. We cheer so loud for our classmates and friends on the field, that we become part of the defense to protect our house. Students, just like players, are part of the process. 

Imagine Bryant-Denny stadium only reaching half capacity for the biggest game of the season. The dynamic of that game is altered entirely. Because the team lost support, they lost momentum. Lack of momentum resulted in lack of passion. Lack of passion yielded lack of life. Lack of life gave way to complacency. Complacency gave birth to a crumbled team. Similarly, the American church is facing its biggest rivalry of all time. The US Church may be backing off from the enemy in the name of political correctness. Personally, I believe the genuineness of the modern day church as a whole is in question. I don’t care about numbers by any means; I care about the people. Without the help of security, students, fans, concession stand workers, custodians, and supporters; Saturdays in Tuscaloosa would not be the same. Similarly, when the people aren’t doing their job, the church cannot function in a way that causes a legitimate change for Jesus Christ. And that’s the point of the Body; to be the hands, feet, heart, eyes, and ears for the Kingdom of God.

I remember being a sophomore in high school when this whole “christianity” thing really clicked for me. That’s the year when my faith jumped off the pages of an ancient book and came alive to me for the very first time. I was fifteen when Hebrews 4:12* made sense. I remember thinking that I had too many skeletons in my closet to be used by Christ. I had to realize, through many frustrating Kelly attempts, that there is no such thing as perfection. I was shown love, forgiveness, and mercy on a day-to-day basis. I don’t know the exact date that everything clicked for me, but I do know that every day since has been a battle. Every day has been either a step closer or further away from God; I’ve gone in both directions. I have learned and grown so much, but the exciting thing is, I’m still at the surface of the magnificence of Christ. 

Often times, I’m frustrated with how easily it is to fall into a sinful behavior. I am my own worst enemy. Most of you are your own worst enemy. But the word of God tells us who the real enemy is. Our Savior fought Satan. Christ has given us a way out, a way has been provided for us to escape the grips of this world. And more times than not, we refuse to accept is. Or if we choose to accept our hope, it is a temporary lifestyle change. Many people become frustrated with temptation and failure. Most (like myself) struggle with spiritual disciplines. Multiple factors go into backsliding. The biggest thing that I have struggled with in the past is the lack of immediate results. I have been guilty of wanting my problems to go away with the snap of my fingers or a shallow prayer. Honestly, that’s not how it works. Ever single day is a fight for Christ. Every step is either towards righteousness or destruction. Every decision is made in wisdom or foolishness. Christ followers are made new creations through the blood of the Lamb and we are strengthened through fellowship, discipleship, discipline, and obedience. We are made perfect in Christ, not through our own efforts. Being real with Christ requires you to be real with yourself. A total self check up can be an ugly thing, but it can also be a grand realization of our need to make Christ a part of our every day lives. The truth is, if we want to spend an eternity with God, we must spend every day in His presence. He requires us to be a living sacrifice. The only true way to worship him, is to live every day for him, with him. (Romans 12:1*) 

How are we to make a difference being one person? How are we suppose to find the strength to be on the field for Christ at all times? How do we avoid getting burnt out? How do we become victors of our every day demons? The answer is simple.

A walk with Christ is the ultimate process.

*”For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes are him to who we must give account.” -Hebrews 4:12-13

*"Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God- this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is- his good, pleasing and perfect will." -Romans 12:1-2

Until Now

In less than one week I will embark on the most significant journey of self discovery that one ventures on during the course of their entire life, college. I am so excited, nervous, anxious, happy, sad, and terrified; all at the same time. I'm not beginning my new life with a 'me' mindset like most freshman do. Even though I believe more independence will taste so sweet, I do not plan to waste my time at the University of Alabama. I believe this will be, among many things, a spiritual quest like no other. These are the years where a majority of people lose their religion for whatever reason; but for me, I plan on attacking my new home with a mission state of mind. 

I've grown up and been awaken to what can lay ahead of me. I've been so filled with the Spirit and have seen the workmanship of God before my very eyes. I've had the opportunity to work with friends that I now call family, and family that have become my friends. I'm beyond blessed to be a part of a church that loves, worships, and prays like no body of believers that I have ever experienced. I've had someone invest so much of his time and prayers in my life that I honestly believe I would be nowhere near the person I am without him and his amazing family; and I've seen my family grow in their faith through servanthood. All of these things have contributed to the woman I am today, and will continue to impress on me as I become the woman that God is molding me into. 

This summer has been so beneficial to my preparation for the future. The months passed quickly, but my memories are sweeter than any other that I have. I have experienced so much, but it's just the tip of the iceberg. Every day I learn something new, and realize how ignorant I am. I'm so excited to learn and grow in my faith over the next four years. Right now I'm going to tell you a synapse of why this summer was a summer that will always be a topic of conversation for me.

Paint a picture, film a movie, go to a theatre; do whatever you have to do to envision where a vital part of my summer took place. 

It's 90 degrees, and still; no relief from the heat or the humidity from the beautiful Caribbean Sea. You're on a bus passing by fishermen in homemade canoes, children playing in the streets, men selling the fruits of their labor, and women sitting on the porch doing laundry. On your right is the poverty struck jungle and on your left is a million dollar view. If you listen closely, you can hear music playing from a radio and the natives speaking Patois. Welcome to Oracabessa, Jamaica. 

We flew from Atlanta, Georgia to Montego Bay, Jamaica; the tourist city. The first thing that blew my mind was that I had the guts to fly. The second thing that blew my mind was the multimillion dollar tourist attraction being on the same islands as the concrete, plywood, clothesline village that I fell in love with; correction, whose people I fell in love with. I had a hard time believing that the two cities where less than three hours away from each other. 

During the morning hours of our trip we put our muscles to work at the Spicy Grove Children's Villa; which one day, God willing, will be a boys home. We weeded until we couldn't weed anymore, tile was laid, trash and leaves were burned, and the most beautiful bamboo fence was constructed. All of the sweat and fatigue was totally worth it because of the friendships we made or strengthened while working side by side. Some members of our team bonded closely with Tommy, we all love Alex, but I had the opportunity to spend a lot of time with Ian.  

He is Godly, a walking fortune cookie. Everything he says is spiritual, he is full of life lessons because he's lived a life without Christ. Sometimes I think that's why the Church is in such a state that it's in, especially in the Bible Belt; we have forgotten, or don't even acknowledge, that we have lived a life without Christ because there is no significant change in the hearts of most "christians" from before they accepted Christ, until now. Most people can't look backed on the life they led because it is the same life they are currently leading post baptism; I'm skeptical to say post-salvation. Anyways, back to Ian. He is an amazing person and I could have talked to him all day long. He's a father to two sweet children and all he wants, other than to please God, is to have a strong relationship with his children and teach them to have an eternal relationship with our Savior. What if that was the desire of every father out there?!

Tommy had an awesome faith too! But I didn't personally hear his story, so I don't want to write it. That's the thing about Jamaicans; if they had faith, they had it abundantly. We met a lady named Ms. Trisha. Hearing her speak about the Jamaican church was a blessing. She told the story of Hurricane Sandy flooding her home and do you want to know what she said? "God is a good God. The storm could have came at night when we could not see and many lives would have been lost." If I were a Jamaican listening to an American speak about a storm I probably would have heard, 'thank God it wasn't worse than it was but we lost blah, blah, blah.' But no, she saw the rainbow after the storm, not the storm itself. What if we learned to count our blessings instead of our troubles?

"Don't turn your halo into a noose. You are a blessed man." -Ian

The adults became our friends, but the children became our hearts. On the first day with the children, we drove past the triangle (a three way stop concept, minus the stop part) and in the back window 10 or 15 kids came running down the street behind our plain-Jane twelve passenger van. They weren't attracted by colors or gifts, but us. The doors of our van opened and so did our arms, the kids jump in them like we were their best friends. I felt at home 1, 155 miles away from my front door. 

For two hours a day, four days of the week, we hung out with the children of Oracabessa. That's all the time it took to fall in love with them. We played games, sung, danced, hugged, and most importantly, loved those kids. They were so open to Christ and knew so much. I remember walking around the property and hearing the girls singing praise songs and I even heard, "waves of mercy, waves of grace! Everywhere I look, I see your face!" I have always worked with children, but I have never been more amazed in my life than I was that week being with that group of kids. Their hearts are so big. The quote, "some people are so poor, all they have is money" is all I could think of when I thought about Americans. We have been blessed beyond measures; so blessed that we don't realize what we have are blessing. We have a terrible case of obligation. These children, these people, are some of the richest people I have ever encountered; yet they have next to nothing. 

My eyes were opened that week. I know that's a typical thing to hear from any teenager that just came back from any church trip; but it's true. I've never not been able to get people off of my mind, until now. I've never cried for people I barely knew, until now. I've never known what it means to count your blessings and be content with what you have, until now. I've never been so complete and so broken, until now. I've never heard testimonies like the ones my friends in Jamaica shared with me. I never thought I would ever be this ready to get back on an airplane. 

I never saw college as a mission field, until now. 

My goal isn't to have the right words and speak to groups of people about the love of Christ, because to be honest, that's all most people have ever known. My desire is to live a life that shouts the words I will never have the courage to say. I want to walk in truth and love. 

That's my mission mindset. What's yours?

                   

What's next?

I'm not an interesting person. I'm not the smartest student. I'm not the best child. I'm not the life of the party. I'm not the mouth of the south. I'm not a face  worth remembering. I'm not comparable to the rest of my peers. And I'm okay with that. As different as we all are, we are still faced with the same question. What's next?

For those of you who may come across this and do not know me personally, my classmates and I threw our caps last Thursday, May 23rd. It's officially summer, just like every other summer we've ever had. But our lives will be different with the fall. 

I can't tell you what's next for my classmates, my close friends, or even myself. Some of us are already working or taking summer classes. The rest of us start school in the fall... Roll Tide, by the way. That's where I will be. 

All of that is good and wonderful. We're doing something with our lives; something that matters. But when I asked what's next, the fall isn't what I was referring to. 

Called, chosen, separated, different... all of these words can be summed up as one; removed. 
Picture a jar of peanut butter. If it sits in the cabinet a few days, the oil will rise to the top; before you use it you have to mix it back together. There's a point to this, I promise. 

I look at the world and see destruction, a mess, and it breaks me. But what hurts even more than seeing the downfall our my world, is knowing it is my fault. What?! Kelly, you're a Christian; a good kid. That's not your fault! Yes it is. This world is the product of what we as Christians have allowed it to become. Because we are no different than the next person, because we do not live a radical life, because we fail to be the salt and the light of the world, we have contributed to corruption of our town, county, state, and nation. 

God has chosen us to be different. Yet, we look exactly like everyone else. I'm not excluded from this; I'm writing this for myself. We have been taught that we don't have to live a sold out life. We have adopted a watered down version of "Christianity". What we know is a manmade American easy-peasy religion. We aren't required to change our lives, our schedules aren't interfered with; don't worry, you don't have to leave your comfort zone. We pretend like our brothers and sisters across the world aren't risking their lives underground to praise God. What if it came down to that for us in the States?!

We have been called to live fruitful life; a being of love, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, joy, and self-control. These things don't come over night, but are grown through discipline. Discipline is what we lack. Back to the peanut butter analogy. Christians are the oil. We rise to the top of the crowd because something is different within us, or that's what is suppose to happen. Are we really different? Do we really separate ourselves from a sinful society? Not really, no. But if we were to live as we should, we would stand out from the crowd. Once the oil separates from the peanut butter, it has to be mixed back in so we can eat it right? Right. Then what's the point in being separated to begin with? When Christians remove themselves from the influence of a self-centered society and devote ourselves to Christ, our relationship with Him strengthens. Eventually our faith is strong, we're on the meat of the word (that DOES NOT mean we won't fail, we will, but we ARE forgiven). When our faith becomes strong and we gain self control, the oil can be mixed back in. The oil and the peanut butter are two different ingredients, but there cannot be one without the other. After surrendering to Christ and mixing in with society, we are different; equipped and able to making a difference for the Kingdom of God. 

The older I get, the more I study, the more I realize the life I lead is average. I am not running full force towards a risen Savior that battled Hell for me. I have been given the gift of salvation, that I do not deserve, and I am wasting it. I have been taught to waste it. I want to be that example in love and truth to the girls younger than me because I didn't have that example. The first step to being that person I want to be is realizing that I cannot live an apathetic life, I cannot disregard a calling from God, and I cannot rely on a once-a-week church service that will not fulfill my spiritual needs. I have to dig in God's word in order to have the type of relationship with God that I thirst for.  

This summer I'm on a mission; I have a new prayer. This summer is a summer of transformation. My desire is for God to mold me into the woman I have been called to be, a woman after his heart; a woman that is the same person Saturday-Sunday, at work or at home. A prayer to be an example in love and truth; I pray for a heart that will serve all. Every day I want to grow closer to the One who gave it all. This is a lifelong project. I have said it several times before and I say it again; our idea of a relationship with Christ is not even close to what it was meant to be. I am not okay with a halfway kind of faith. I want more. 

1 Corinthians 9:19