Summer Storms Bring Life Lessons

“Jesus has defined the relationship he wants with you. He is not interested in enthusiastic admirers who practice everything in moderation and don’t get carried away. He wants completely committed followers.” -Kyle Idleman; Not a Fan

Several times throughout my walk with Christ, I find myself referring to this book. Not a Fan is one of the most prevalent resources I have ever read; it has taught me the difference between fan and follower of  Jesus time and time again. This summer has been different than all the summers before, both good and bad.

First of all, if you didn’t already know, I just finished my freshman year at the University of Alabama. And what a marvelous ride it was! I have never experienced friendship in that way and I may never experience it again outside of those at the Capstone. I miss my family from Riverside and the BCM dearly and cannot wait to see you all again. I am very proud of the members of our faith family who are traveling the globe to spread the gospel this summer.

I have spent my summer being slightly less adventurous. My best friend and big sister married the love of her life in mid-June. I have a brother and my own bathroom for the first time in my life. Of course, a ring and a new last name won’t shake our relationship. I wouldn’t trade being a part of the Williams Wedding for anything in the entire world. And I managed not to cry on her big day. That’s a pretty big deal. I went to Panama City Beach with my mom and dad, worked at the Student Rec Center, and watching every episode of NCIS ever filmed (starting with its originate in JAG). I am thankful for this time of rest from the busyness that is college. Just like every other season, God is teaching. This lesson was a particularly hard lesson to learn.

My heart is people, it always has been and always will be. This summer, I had a lot of time to myself which led to some particularly disappointing self discoveries. I am keeping up with my friends on social media, mainly Instagram. My brothers and sisters in Christ are serving in Rio, Georgia, North Carolina, Gulf Shores, Arkansas, Colorado, Louisiana, Texas and even right here in Tuscaloosa. I am so blessed to call theses missionaries friends. Watching and reading their stories from the field made me even more anxious to get involved and more eager to have the children of Oracabessa in my arms again. July could not come fast enough. A few weeks into the summer, my gut started telling me the trip was no longer going to happen. I received conformation of this at the beginning of June.* My heart was broken. I have not felt an emptiness like that in years. I spent a year fundraising and preparing my heart for another opportunity to serve at Spicy Grove. Several weeks after hearing the new, I found myself slipping into spiritual frustration. My frustration was the product of not being around my faith family, being jealous of those serving, becoming stagnate, and hardening of the heart. A storm is the perfect way to describe this time; I would be lying if I said I was out of this storm. What better opportunity for God to teach me a lesson than time of heartache, insecurity, and complacency?

Missions is not a destination, but ones current location.

I am guilty of making statements about everyday being missional and living on the field in the past, but this summer has really taught me what those things actually mean. I want what I write to be honest, and honestly, I started to become bitter towards people having an awesome summer serving around the world. I felt unimportant to the kingdom on a good day and as if my absence doesn’t make a difference every other day. I am diagnosing myself with self-loathe/self-pity. It is an ugly disease that attacks the heart of a person and slowly works its way to the surface. Bitterness took over my thoughts for a period of time. My soul was dry.

And I had the audacity to blame the cancellation of a trip for it all.

Who am I to blame issues of my heart on circumstances outside of my control? My summer storm was my fault. I chose to build my life around one mission opportunity, rather than building my life on the mission field. I chose to draw encouragement from the idea of traveling back to Jamaica, rather than filling my being with the Holy Spirit. I chose to excite my heart with what God would do, rather than what he is doing. I chose to read Twitter, rather than the Word. And when push came to shove, I wondered why I felt so spiritual unsatisfied. I don’t know if it was more difficult being honest with myself or God, either way, it was scary. Honesty provokes change. In this case, a total breakdown and rebuild of many of my beliefs about how servant-hood actually works.

Throughout the rest of the summer, God has been teaching me what it means to serve Him. I always pictured a place or an organization, a group of people doing Kingdom work together. But sometimes, maybe even most of the time, service is lonely. I spent my summer in Brent, Alabama to learn about missions. I have no doubt about that. Time alone is time allowed to prepare my heart for people.

Storms are never in vain. Rain, shower or flood, allows rebuilding and growing to occur.

I have had so many ideas for ministry in my hometown. There is potential for amazing things to take place in this little town. All the programs and intentions are great and wonderful, but all will fail without prayer. All will fail if we follow the rules, instead of following Jesus. All will fail if we choose religion as a birthright and not a surrender of the heart. My mission is in central Alabama and I choose to accept it. Do you?

“Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourself fully to the work of the Lord, because you know in your labor the Lord is not in vain.”
-1 Corinthians 15:58

Bloom where you’re planted,
Kelly


*The trip could not happen due to internal team reasons. For anyone who donated/purchased Krispy Kreme donut, I still have your offerings and they will be used to fund a mission trip in the spring/summer. I cannot thank you enough for your donations and prayers.

From My Seat at the Feast to My Place in the Dirt

My heart has been stolen, and I don’t want it back.

 The University of Alabama has awoken a part of myself that I didn’t know existed. I have never been so in love with my life, so eager for engagement, so invested in the people around me, so adventurous, so uncomfortable, so strong, so emotional, so overwhelmed, so happy, so joyful, so at peace. The Capstone has brought me more laughter, happiness, and friendships than I could ever have imagined. My heart is held captive by my crimson and white life, it is filled with my new-found family and held in the hands of my Father.

Always Thankful, Forever Tuscaloosa.

 

The person I was in August and the person I am now, are strangers; resembling only in appearance. I have been chiseled, sculpted, and sanded into the woman I am now by the amazing group of people God has blessed me with. I will look back on my freshman year on this wonderful campus and smile. No monetary gain could ever compare to what this university has done for me. In a nine months, I have made friends that have become my family and will be in my life until the end of my time. I do not deserve any of the blessings in my life.  

There is no doubt in my mind that my freshman year at the University of Alabama has been the best year of my entire life; but, mountain tops are only attained from hiking out of low valleys. The two must exist together.  This year has been the most humbling year in  my walk with Christ. It has been made evident to me how I do not have my spiritual life in order near as much as I thought I did. With these harsh realizations have come unexplainable growth and confidence of my faith. This growth has been consistent and, I pray, will continue to be. None of this would have come about without the lessons I have learned so far in my journey at the Capstone.

A few weeks ago at the BCM (Baptist Campus Ministry), we had a Discovery (mid-week service) that was the "worship experience". The night was broken into stations; the names of God, confession, forgiveness, and reflection. In the confession station, I was in a dimly lit room surrounded by my family in Christ. Written on the blood red walls were sins that my Savior went to the cross for, sins that infiltrate my life and find refuge in my heart. I found myself knelt at a bench, speechless, seeking forgiveness through silence and tears. In the corner of the room was a cross; there we were asked to write one of our sins on paper and nail them to the cross. Three words came to heart: gossip, hatred, and self-righteousness. These three things have battled the thrown of my heart and every drop of that is less room for Christ to make His home in me. I have carried that night with me everyday, constantly remembering the shame I felt when I brought myself to the feet of Jesus. 

Entering the university, making my home at the BCM, and visiting new churches introduced a lie to me; a lie that I have believed. Every stranger I met, I stereotyped as being a perfect Christian; despite my biblical knowledge that that was not actually possible. I felt like all of my peers were much more mature in their faith that I am. Being around people with a desire to be Christ-like is new to me and so extremely humbling. I did not realize until the worship experience that I have put myself on a pedestal; I have fooled myself into believe that I am the rich woman eating from the table, when in reality, I am the homeless girl sitting on the cold, hard floor. I subconsciously built the strength of my faith up in my head because I was never involved in the debauchery of kids I grew up with. This year, more than any other time in my life, I realized that sin is not an action, it is of the heart. When we view sin as behavior modification, rather than an intoxication of the heart, we are entering a battle we are not prepared to win. I am the least of these; I am the least of the least of these.

I am a convict. I am the perpetrator in the case of my self-righteous demise. 

This summer, my checklist includes two classes, my sister's wedding, work at the rec center, family vacation, and a week at Spicy Grove Children's Villa in Jamaica. All the things are just that, things. I am challenging myself in a way that I have challenged myself a hundred times before; that being, spend quality time with God in scripture and prayer every day. If I am not growing, if I am not filled with the spirit, my daily mission will be ineffective. I cannot give what I do not have. I cannot overflow with Christ if I am running on fumes. If you're like me, I challenge you too. Not only do I challenge you to spend quality time with God everyday but I challenge you to cut things out of your life that are distracting you from the will of God. Both of these things are on my summer to-do list, and I pray for continuation throughout the rest of my life. This blog is a confession and a call to accountability. I do not know who reads these words (thank you, btw), but whoever you are, you know me somehow. Remind me of these words I wrote. 

God bless y'all.

He saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that, having been justified by his grace, we might become heris having the hope of eternal life. -Titus 3:5-7

*I rarely write about my legitimate, blood family. I love them more than life itself. They mean more to me than anyone, except God. Without them, the life I lead would be nothing but a dream.