I haven’t written in weeks. Correction, I haven’t written in months. Someone, who knows me better than I know myself, texted me and said, “I’m not telling you to write...You just tend to express your feelings better on paper.” Well, to no surprise, you’re right. Again.
So, to catch everyone up, I just finished my sophomore year at the University of Alabama. This semester, I was #blessed to say the very least. I had the privilege of facilitating a Journey Group bible study for wonderful freshmen girls. Seriously, this bunch taught me and pushed me to grow in Christ all year! I had the opportunity to work another year with the best staff at UREC and I didn’t fail economics. I gained barista skills at Nehemiah’s Coffee House and in exactly nine days, I will head to Indianapolis to serve with GenerationSend for the next six weeks! The Lord has worked, moved, and changed in my life and the lives of those around me. It was nothing short of another amazing year at Bama! Of course, there have been challenges...
I have been feeling busy; busy trusting myself, which is exhausting.
I have been feeling off; off balance, and it’s my fault.
You know the feeling in your chest when something in your life just isn’t right? There’s an indescribable void; not an absence of purpose, but a silence. I’ve decide it’s the feeling created when I am planning my path and establishing my steps. Long story short, I have been following my own map. The Lord has allowed me behind the wheel- and to be honest, I am tired of driving. The Word of God says,
“Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit”— yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.” -James 4:13-15
I am twenty years old and, in my humble opinion, I am at the country’s best university. But, every single day, uncertainty and fear of the future arises. Pressure to perfectly perform in the classroom and in an internship is preached to students day-in and day-out. Failure to devote our lives to our fields of study, we are told, will end in a waste of our time and our degrees being used for nothing more than a wall decoration. We are told that success comes in the form of careers and cars or money and marriage. The expectation to be elite is so high, we think we will surely break if we fall. Students are constantly compelled to plan for tomorrow, as if tomorrow is promised. This is draining. More importantly, this is false. At the end of our lives, we won’t remember what our professors said or the savings we earned. I imagine, at the end of this life, my thoughts will venture to those I love. Maybe even more than that, I will think of the chances I didn’t take or all of the times I gave into the idea that the American Dream is all there is. My fear is, I will look back on my life and realize I focused more on the temporary than the eternal. I’ve been in this boat lately; and the waves of this world have made me off balance.
I’m not the only person who has ever been terrified, tired, and torn by the wind. Peter, one of Jesus’ disciples, was traveling across the sea with other disciples in a boat tossed back-and-forth by the waves. In the distance came the figure of a man; but how could this be? Man cannot walk on water! Then the voice of God in flesh (Jesus) called out among the storm, “Take heart; it is I. Do not be afraid.” (Matt 14:27) Of course, this was easier said than done for these friends of Jesus. Like many of us, Peter had a “prove you’re really Jesus” moment. Jesus commanded Peter to walk on the water to him... in the middle of a storm! Peter faithfully stepped out of the boat onto the choppy waters and walked- eyes fixed on Jesus. Unfortunately, a brief moment of panic overwhelmed Peter, instilling fear and doubt deep within him. When he lost sight and focus of Jesus, Peter began to sink. The remarkable thing is, Jesus immediately reached his hand out to save his friend. He didn’t allow him to struggle in the stormy sea longer than a few seconds. Everybody in the boat worshiped Jesus for this rescue saying, “Truly, you are the Son of God.” (v. 33) You see, Peter found himself off balance. His distraction led to him sinking and the only person who could set him back on steady ground was Jesus. I’m here to tell you, no matter what anybody says, not much has changed since this happened. Jesus is the only person who is capable of easing the fear of the future (including the fear of death/eternity) and giving us purpose in this world.
Side note: Not only did Peter doubt the Lord, he was a denier of Jesus (Luke 22:54-62). Through his disbelief and weaknesses, Christ did not give up on him. In fact, he became the foundation for the New Testament church (Matt. 16:18). If you’re at a place where you believe you’re unusable or outside of God’s grace/forgiveness, you’re wrong. You may just be off balance.
Now, here’s why I think this is my fault. God is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. He is never growing old or weary, he is always constant, and he is always good. It is I who changes. My sails redirect with the wind, wind that I create with my lack of spiritual disciplines. This may sound like a bunch of mumbo jumbo. In layman’s terms, my eyes have been off of Jesus. My focus has briefly moved from my Savior. One of my favorite quotes I’ve come across is, “One of the great uses of Twitter and Facebook will be to prove at the Last Day that prayerlessness was not from lack of time” -John Piper. OUCH! I constantly have my phone on me and, I would guess, I check social media at least 20 times a day. An hour or two of my time everyday is spent checking up on what people are up to. That may be the problem right there- we are obsessed with what other people are doing. This is causing a blindness to our own lives and relationships (with others and with God). I am guilt of this; social media is one gust of wind that tears at my sails. Running with the same idea of being engrossed with other people’s lives, we tend to form a jealousy from what we see on social media. For example, one of my struggles is a desire to be in a relationship. Seeing many of my friends in, what seems to be, happy and healthy relationships creates an envious spirit within me- even if it’s just for a moment. What I have to remind myself of is there are church boys and men of God, I choose to wait for the latter. Who knows? Marriage may not even be in God’s perfect design for my life! My want for a relationship, and me sometimes trying to rush God’s timing, is yet another gust of wind in my sails. These gust, over time, wear and destroy me. Only the peace found in Jesus Christ can calm the wind. Only eyes and hearts fixated on Jesus will keep my boat from capsizing. Will my seas always be calm because I trust Jesus? No. Will I always be calm because I trust Jesus? Probably not. Sin nature still gets the best of me at times. Will I ever drown, no matter how rough the waves of this life get? Never.
So if you’re like me, off balance, turn your eyes back to Jesus. I know I am. There’s no better place to be than in the palm of the hand of the Creator of the universe. There is no greater love than the Savior who lived the life we couldn’t, died the death we deserved, and rose again to give us life. There is no greater forgiveness than that found at the foot of the cross.
“Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!” -Psalm 46:10
